I just want to sleep

I just want to sleep
Next to you

I just want to be held
Where the warmth is your touch

Wanting the cold to be our chilled skin
Needing you to drive away the shadows

However...I am solitary in my darkness
Hands reach out, not knowing how to calm
Unwittingly scaring already torn pieces

And the idea of you haunts me.

Not you, needing someone, not you
You hurt too much. Your light blinds and burns

Eternities settle into hearts long estranged

I am intimately acquainted with freezing to death on fire
And full emptinesses

And longing for a touch that heals
That chases all other thoughts away
Brings peace

And rest

I just want to sleep

Success today?

It is about 4:30 on a Wed. I have started the process for disability. I have started a 2018 tax return online. I have made it through all my emails and even listened to a friends podcast.

I have not listened to/read scriptures today. It is harder to keep track of where I am with the CD player. When I listened in my car, it remembered for me. Having lds.org read them to me can be monotonous and I fade in/out. I could do something for group. I have to do the 'tell my story' thing again. Boo. Grr argh.

Tired

I don't know when this is from. Just found it in my drafts folder...

This is not what I want my life to be. How am I the bad guy? Excuse me foe messing up your video game time. If we had been doing ANYTHING else, you would have cancelled.

Where is she?

Where is she? The authentic me? The one who dared? Wasn't afraid but free?
Who was I? The parts I want to keep? The friend to those in need? Worth her own show on TV?!
Will I be? Able to reconcile w me? Able to feel peace? Just able to get to sleep?!

2:30am seems somehow linked to things I can't remember to remember. Can't remember to forget.
Pain in my head grows. The letter remains unwritten. FB doesn't ask much of me. Really matters??
Tried to add a photo but on phone and tech hates me. Grr. Argh.

Holding Pattern, with Deadlines

Work has been stressful for months and with the changeover... trying to keep track of everything and not let anything fall through the cracks, but waiting on the "four projects" being called to have ONE finish so we can see how the reporting will go...

I want to be useful, but I don't want to get distracted or forget something important. I have gotten the current projects as far as I can without having the data back. I have discovered I will have a bit of formatting etc to do on the verbatim comments... More work... Still owed some cash from last year. Think they counted their necessary "increase" as my bonus, but I will never see it. It was taken as taxes and I don't get anything back really from Federal because we are uninsured. Last year got $2. Yup. Two.

A lot of people hurting, fighting illness (mental and physical), trying to recover, depressed, in need... I am one person doing the best I can. My brain says it is not good enough. "Should" be doing better.

Feeding sister missionaries today. I wonder how that will go. Temple recommends expire this month. Not ready to get renewed... not been making it to church. I don't want to go without Michael... in all senses (church or to renew).

Parties coming up and wanting to "make a splash" but not sure how - funds and energy and time... Still fighting mice (2 down, who knows how many to go) and as it gets warmer I am sure the bugs will be back. Not sure how to talk to her about counters/dishes etc...

Should I be doing lead gen? Working on Annuals?? Pestering the call center???!
I want to do my best and have integrity but I feel rushed AND stuck at the same time. Just "HERE". But being here is part of the job. Putting out the fires, answering the questions, formatting documents till my brain leaks out my ears! Lol. *sad laugh.

No one has been pestering me for their reports... YET.

Craving sushi AGAIN. ALWAYS. Taking more fish oil to try to compensate. Getting headaches. Worried about Mom. She was talking about 'do you know what to do, who to talk to, when I die?' Not a happy thought. Realistically, I understand it, but...

And weird and shocking dreams about past. Grr argh. Afraid flashbacks are coming. Part of me wants to know - the truth shall set you free - but more of me just screaming about how "why would anyone WANT to remember that crap?!"

Back to the grind I suppose... but I don't know what to do. *sigh.

It was really good and uplifting to hear Simon and Martina talk about their "community" and experiences with YouTube and blogging, etc... I don't think I will ever have that kind of experience, based on my past and trying to keep this sort of on the DL. Oh well. People DO like me!

Not useless, but close.

Today has been a bit of a struggle to get here and do anything. The big report was done... then... FB ate my brain.
I was late because I was at home being productive with dishes, laundry and little things no one notices but me. And feeding myself, let's not forget feeding myself. And more than half asmall chocchip banana bread. Takes time to make pancakes!

I am taking tomorrow off, but because of miss communications I now have to go in to my financial institution to correct some things...
I want to see my friends but know I don't have anything to offer. I know they love me, I still feel inadequate.
I have to go talk to my therapist about... things... shopping with hubby... recommends timing out... etc...etc...etc... ala "The King and I"
Poor people share and gift food. I really don't need all the fat, sugar and such... but love it all the same!
Study. Learn something. Watch something uplifting... Nope. Blogging. B*^ching.
Try to share the positive but it's like... no one sees what goes on inside. How do we enjoy the ride?

Well that was more trouble than I thought it would be. Hope it is worth it. Peace, out.

At least I know my email is working. Got the Twitter update I don't need... no notice on checks. Grr Argh.

Twitch twitch twitch...

Everything will work out fine.
I have all that I need.
*twitch.
I don't want to run away.
*twitch.
I want to stay here and be an adult.
*TWITCH.