MAKE IT BETTER!!!

When people tell me they like the things I post on my Facebook page, I feel warm and happy. I try to post things that are funny, uplifting and bring light into the world. Sometimes there are horrible things happening and we don't have to shut our eyes to it, but we can make it better. We may not have a million dollars to feed everyone, but we can take time to help those around us. Even our families; we try to help with dinners if we are visiting friends and family, sometimes just bringing it ourselves because they need a break.

You may not be able to stop the terrible shootings and people being driven from their homes, but you can help those who may have come to your community. Make a phone call, find out what is needed and involve your neighbors, friends, church etc... to provide it. We are all children of a Heavenly Father which makes us a great big earthly family. Sometimes just simply cleaning out your closets and donating to the local thrift store or charity is all we can do, but if we all do a little we can accomplish great things!

This is my prayer today, that someone will be inspired, will find a new way to help, will smile because of something I have said or posted. Focus on the light and the shadows fade away behind! God bless!

Guilt, Winning and Thank You Notes.

I am the only person I know who feels guilty when I win, guilty when I get a thank you note and... well, guilty for feeling guilty!

Was told once that guilt is there to spur you on to better actions and choices. Don't know how that applies to playing Sorry (old board game) with a couple of friends and feeling bad every time I bumped them back to start. I ended up winning the game, you see. ... IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!

I have had 'thank you notes' in a bag, trying to send them out for months. Recently received a thank you note in the mail from a friend for attending her baby shower. Now she not only has finished creating a whole person, but she got her notes out before I did too! Lol. Getting her note reminded me of my notes. I dutifully dug the bag out from under the mess it had been buried in, carried it around with me, and still haven't gotten anymore sent.

I suppose I am lazy or boring or something, but I do seem to always have things to do and people to care for, help and worry about. That seems like a blessing to me. Now if I could just get my brain/emotions etc... to see it that way!

Morning Ramblings...

So tired of waking up tired. Places to be and things to do, but I just want to rest and FEEL rested.
Mike had a rough night. And so of course the cat comes meowing in early to boot. He has a hard enough time in the morning let alone days we should be getting up for Stake Conf. He's not likely to get up. I'm not likely to go w/o him.

Last dream I had was screaming at people to get out of my house by the end. Children were watching me me in the bathroom and trying to take things from the house. Then adults too. Not this current house, wasn't the same... But took 20 min and actually going to the bathroom before I could pull out of it. I feel drained. That's not right. It took a while to get to sleep, but I slept! Shouldn't I feel recharged? Rested? That's why I want to crawl back in bed.

I'm back in bed and dose-y. Can't quite wake. Keep trying to talk myself into doing something; start laundry so I can have clean underthings, or go downstairs and eat something so I can take vitamins, but I don't want to wake Michael. The pets have done enough of that.

What's in a name? How can I remember? And other life's experiences...

I have friends who are starting a cooking blog together. One is going to teach the other how to cook/bake/all-things-kitchen-y, and then they will blog about it. They have been asking for help with a name for it. I don't think I take too much time with those things... just go with something and have fun with it. Change it or start a new one if you feel like it later.

I went to great event and met a lot of local authors (didn't even make it around the whole room in 4 hours!) but I have been struggling with keeping track of people. I have joked that I collect people, and that 'as long as I do it online and not in my basement, it's okay!' I feel bad when I can't remember someone's name or how/where we met, but the human brain isn't meant to hold that much info. I have been told the ideal for humans is to live in small, self-sustaining communities of 100-200... and I passed those numbers online AGES ago!

I have been struggling a lot with depression and family issues. Especially with the holidays coming up and not having the funds to do... well, anything... again. I have tried to do little things in the past so I at least had something to give to those who get me presents, but I haven't felt up to that lately. I have been trying to focus on spiritual things and my own immediate home and family... I have had to pull back from a lot of activities and even remove some toxic people. It hurts like having your chest hollowed out with an adamantium melon-baller, just saying. And more over, there are people still in my life that are having to deal with the negative and worse things than I am... I just use that to berate myself internally that I should (there's the "should-ing on myself" again) be able to deal with it. All of it. And more. Because I should, that's why!

I can't save everyone. I can't save anyone. I can work towards perfecting myself. I can help my husband. I can love my friends and will do all that I can. But when I lose it and need a break, try to remember, I'm only human. *ironic, we are reading "I, Robot" for book club.

Google... you almost failed me!

I have spent the last 20 min trying to get access to my blog back. It kept telling me I wasn't logged in to the correct account, or that the account didn't have admin privileges or some such other BS. Made me very mad, as this has been my blog since 2009!

Oviously I got it back. Grr! Argh!

Not the bad guy

Tried to call a couple of people, but that did not work out, so I am venting here.
We have plans on Saturday. They have been on the calendar for MONTHS! We have a costume/potluck/birthday party, and we are supposed to be there at 6pm. It is Thursday, btw.
[Husband] gets a text asking if we can feed the missionaries. He texts me, 'are we doing anything on Saturday?'
I tell him, yes, we have the bday party. (He hasn't said anything about missionaries to me yet, so I am just assuming he has forgotten plans again)
We proceed to go back and forth in text, until I call to try to clarify. We both get frustrated and he ends up yelling and hanging up on me...
Last communication is, 'we should never be too busy to feed the missionaries'. *stab stab, lemon juice.

So I am the bad guy for sticking to the plans and trying to get two costumes together, as well as prep a veggie tray, as well as take the car in (been without air conditioner fan for almost 2 weeks!) I don't think so. Not fair. We have to schedule and choose and as nice as it would be to feed the missionaries, we have plans! I shouldn't be made to feel like a jerk who isn't 'in tune' for this. I just want to go to my friend's party and have a good time.

Q: What did the fish say when he ran into the brick wall?

I am having a rough day today. Woke up this morning and was just completely pissed at everything. I mean everything. Every little thing set me off. I couldn't get out of it. The shampoo and conditioner in the shower, the towels, the stove, the dishes, my clothes, my cat, my house, my books, everything!!!

I tried to explain it to a couple of different people, but it didn't really help much. I eventually had to 'repress, repress, repress' and just get to work. I have worked on everything that has come across my desk. I don't think I alienated my boss. But now there is a dust storm and I want to leave, but I don't want to go home. Mom called me again, by accident and said stay away from semis. Kat called me back earlier, but I had work at the time. I hope her MRI yields some positive results. I texted at Mike a bit this morning before I actually came in the building. I think I scared him. I don't want to scare anyone, but I feel like a crazy person.

I hope its just that I didn't take my vitamins (meds, for me) the other day and have coinciding weather conditions as well as female problems. I don't want to deal with anything else breaking or not working like it should. I don't want to deal with any more money problems and watch people spend who I know don't have it. I don't want to feel paralyzed because I want to act and can't because I am crossing lines. I keep praying and praying and screaming and crying and most of it is just in my head so I can just keep going! I am good at that... or I thought I was. Apparently I am just ignoring/bottling/repressing till I blow up.

I feel sick today too. On top of everything. And Dale is out of town so I won't get that check... Line of credit is a blessing and a curse. Should have bought a new oven. I am wearing a new bra... but that was necessary because the were coming apart at the seams, LITERALLY! So why do I feel guilty, like I've done so many things wrong. I just can't shake it. I hope it is just the weather, because that means it will go away.

Dan said something interesting this morning about wishing he could fast forward 3 months. I mentioned the movie Click and we had a melancholy and brief discussion. We can still laugh. There is still hope.

A: Damn.