Not the bad guy

Tried to call a couple of people, but that did not work out, so I am venting here.
We have plans on Saturday. They have been on the calendar for MONTHS! We have a costume/potluck/birthday party, and we are supposed to be there at 6pm. It is Thursday, btw.
[Husband] gets a text asking if we can feed the missionaries. He texts me, 'are we doing anything on Saturday?'
I tell him, yes, we have the bday party. (He hasn't said anything about missionaries to me yet, so I am just assuming he has forgotten plans again)
We proceed to go back and forth in text, until I call to try to clarify. We both get frustrated and he ends up yelling and hanging up on me...
Last communication is, 'we should never be too busy to feed the missionaries'. *stab stab, lemon juice.

So I am the bad guy for sticking to the plans and trying to get two costumes together, as well as prep a veggie tray, as well as take the car in (been without air conditioner fan for almost 2 weeks!) I don't think so. Not fair. We have to schedule and choose and as nice as it would be to feed the missionaries, we have plans! I shouldn't be made to feel like a jerk who isn't 'in tune' for this. I just want to go to my friend's party and have a good time.

Q: What did the fish say when he ran into the brick wall?

I am having a rough day today. Woke up this morning and was just completely pissed at everything. I mean everything. Every little thing set me off. I couldn't get out of it. The shampoo and conditioner in the shower, the towels, the stove, the dishes, my clothes, my cat, my house, my books, everything!!!

I tried to explain it to a couple of different people, but it didn't really help much. I eventually had to 'repress, repress, repress' and just get to work. I have worked on everything that has come across my desk. I don't think I alienated my boss. But now there is a dust storm and I want to leave, but I don't want to go home. Mom called me again, by accident and said stay away from semis. Kat called me back earlier, but I had work at the time. I hope her MRI yields some positive results. I texted at Mike a bit this morning before I actually came in the building. I think I scared him. I don't want to scare anyone, but I feel like a crazy person.

I hope its just that I didn't take my vitamins (meds, for me) the other day and have coinciding weather conditions as well as female problems. I don't want to deal with anything else breaking or not working like it should. I don't want to deal with any more money problems and watch people spend who I know don't have it. I don't want to feel paralyzed because I want to act and can't because I am crossing lines. I keep praying and praying and screaming and crying and most of it is just in my head so I can just keep going! I am good at that... or I thought I was. Apparently I am just ignoring/bottling/repressing till I blow up.

I feel sick today too. On top of everything. And Dale is out of town so I won't get that check... Line of credit is a blessing and a curse. Should have bought a new oven. I am wearing a new bra... but that was necessary because the were coming apart at the seams, LITERALLY! So why do I feel guilty, like I've done so many things wrong. I just can't shake it. I hope it is just the weather, because that means it will go away.

Dan said something interesting this morning about wishing he could fast forward 3 months. I mentioned the movie Click and we had a melancholy and brief discussion. We can still laugh. There is still hope.

A: Damn.

New Publicist - Author Jason King

I have accepted a probationary position as a publicist. I have been asked to do things like this in the past, but was unable to get into the subject matter (one was a friend who does MMA fighting).
I have read Jason's books, and delight in his sense of humor as well as art of fantasy writing.
Here is a review on goodreads.com: The Lure of Fools by Jason King
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I found myself not able to put it down. I wanted to know what would happen, would the siblings come to blows? Would the farmboy succumb to the magical sword, or overcome himself? From crystal golems to spy-like intrigue, it is a great page turner, I highly recommend it and am looking forward to book 2!

View all my reviews

And a link to his webpage: http://www.authorjasonking.com/

And you can find him on Facebook too! www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Jason-King

Looking forward to this becoming an awesome part of my life!

Miranda the pirate and Mike the ninja

My husband and I have acquired a 3-month free subscription to Netflix. Our avatars are a pirate lady and a ninja face. This strikes me as very telling at the moment. I have always ended up a pirate, since the 5th grade playing pirates on the playground, to my time in the SCA (SCA.org)as a member of a pirate crew.

Mike on the the other hand, has always ended up a ninja. He even did a short video with his friends years back called "I am ninja!" that I believe is unfortunately lost to the interwebs.

Now it occurs to me, if we have the pirate and the ninja does this mean if we EVER chose to procreate, we would have a cowboy? (or cowgirl).

Ba dum dum, tss!

I love you, but you're killing me!

My family... we used to be able to put the "fun" in dysfunctional, but lately...

All we seem to do is hurt each other. And ourselves, over each other's comments and rudeness and outright abuse!

I want to help you. I want to be there for you. But, you're killing me!

For some reason I am thinking of the Walrus and the Carpenter poem from Alice in Wonderland. "the time has come".

I want to be Christlike, but I am NOT Jesus!

I am just... tired.

I can't listen to it any more. It is SSDD!

"Detach with love" is not always that simple.

It's wearing me down. I don't trust my judgment, I have made some big flubs, in large part due to stressing out over ya'll.

I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. Not saying what you're going through isn't trying and difficult, but it is YOURS. I still have mine to get through too.

The sleep dep, the bad dreams, the insecurities, the inability to say no when I should... I have to deal with my pile. You're going to have to find a way out of yours and clean up without me.

The one thing I can give you is direction: Find and follow the Light. The Good. For me, it is Christ's example. Whatever will truly bring you happiness, I pray for you to find it!

I will always love you, but I won't let you kill me.

LDS Church Responds to Ordain Women

I am posting the link to this blog, as she covers it all.

http://wellbehavedmormonwoman.blogspot.com/2014/03/mormon-church-response-ordain-women-priesthood-session-tickets.html#.UyyEmvldV8E

"Detach with Love" - when helping isn't helping anymore.

That moment where you realize that if you do this thing and help this person, it is going to be damaging to you? You know that moment where you want to hit someone with the proverbial "clue-by-four" because they just refuse to grasp something? The realization that the annoying thing 'that person' does is so annoying, because you do it too?

If you can relate to any of those, then this might be helpful. After all, that is what we want to do, isn't it? Help someone, our loved ones, even ourselves? But when does it become a bad thing?

There is a buzz word in psychology called 'Enabling' that I have received a pretty good definition for: doing something for someone that they CAN do for themselves. This isn't to say never help anyone do things they can do, but it refers more to situations where a person's refusal to move forward causes you to want to 'do it for them' or 'fix them'. You may have had the dialogue in your head sound something like, "well if you would just do this thing I'm telling you". A lot of parents go through this. (I have been told. I am not a parent. I choose not to be and have great respect for all the 'rents that do the job proud.)

A recent example with a friend of mine is driving out of her way to give her son a ride to work. She doesn't want him to lose his job and not pay his rent - unthinkable - but what she is missing is that every time she has tried to help him, she has been mistreated and yelled at, and/or put in very negative compromising situations. In this case, helping is hurting. Her fears of him getting into trouble are valid, BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE GETTING INTO TROUBLE! He should be experiencing negative consequences if he is making bad choices! Instead he surrounds himself with people he is trying to 'help' who are using him, and those that love him get the back-lash. Whether it's financial or simply a ride, sometimes you have to say "I'm sorry, no I can't. You are an adult; I know you'll figure it out."

There is another kind of help that is damaging to both parties involved; when you want to force someone to 'skip ahead' in life and learn that life lesson, right now, because you said so! I have recently had some insight into a couple of different relationships where one person wanted to force the other to be what they decided they should be. A good analogy for this is giving calculus to a kindergartner, and expecting them to ace it. Whether a person is 10, 20, 55 or 105, the lesson has to be learned at their pace. You can't make them "love themselves" if they are depressed. You can't expect perfect communication skills, even from the most extroverted people. We are human and we are flawed. I'm a big believer in accepting who a person is, but helping them be better. And to be honest, I am still figuring out good ways to do it! If you find yourself attacking someone because they aren't living up to your expectations, if you are spitting hateful speech out at someone, you are also poisoning yourself. Step back and realize they are coping the best they can with what they know and what they have now, just like you. "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

One of the hardest people to be kind and gentle with, is yourself. We are our own worst critics. We have inner demons ready to tell us how we screwed up, aren't good enough, will never make it, etc... etc... etc... (Thank you "The King and I") But we also have the power to tell them to stuff it! It's hard. It may make you feel sick the first time you have to do it. But, it gets easier. You CAN be your own cheering section. Its okay to acknowledge your own awesome! Some of the most wonderful people I know, don't know how wonderful they are! Something I have been working on lately is complimenting others. The old saying of 'the best way to forget your problems is to focus on others' is true. If you promote positivity and kindness with others, it makes it easier to be kind to yourself. If you have to think in terms of 'what would I tell my best friend if they were having this problem?' or 'how would I treat my Mom/sister/brother if they were going through this?' then do it!

This last one, a lot of people don't like to hear, but it is truth for me. Improve your relationship with the divine. No matter what you believe in, most people believe in some divine being/things in this world. For me, it is my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I remember that someone out there loves me unconditionally - literally - and even gave their life for me to be able to continue improving and growing. I try to see myself through those eyes, and to see those around me through those eyes. I want everyone to feel loved and of worth. I can't do it myself, so I pray and I trust in those divine, all-knowing beings to get us there. Even with us standing in our own way sometimes.

Just something to think about.