"Detach with Love" - when helping isn't helping anymore.

That moment where you realize that if you do this thing and help this person, it is going to be damaging to you? You know that moment where you want to hit someone with the proverbial "clue-by-four" because they just refuse to grasp something? The realization that the annoying thing 'that person' does is so annoying, because you do it too?

If you can relate to any of those, then this might be helpful. After all, that is what we want to do, isn't it? Help someone, our loved ones, even ourselves? But when does it become a bad thing?

There is a buzz word in psychology called 'Enabling' that I have received a pretty good definition for: doing something for someone that they CAN do for themselves. This isn't to say never help anyone do things they can do, but it refers more to situations where a person's refusal to move forward causes you to want to 'do it for them' or 'fix them'. You may have had the dialogue in your head sound something like, "well if you would just do this thing I'm telling you". A lot of parents go through this. (I have been told. I am not a parent. I choose not to be and have great respect for all the 'rents that do the job proud.)

A recent example with a friend of mine is driving out of her way to give her son a ride to work. She doesn't want him to lose his job and not pay his rent - unthinkable - but what she is missing is that every time she has tried to help him, she has been mistreated and yelled at, and/or put in very negative compromising situations. In this case, helping is hurting. Her fears of him getting into trouble are valid, BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE GETTING INTO TROUBLE! He should be experiencing negative consequences if he is making bad choices! Instead he surrounds himself with people he is trying to 'help' who are using him, and those that love him get the back-lash. Whether it's financial or simply a ride, sometimes you have to say "I'm sorry, no I can't. You are an adult; I know you'll figure it out."

There is another kind of help that is damaging to both parties involved; when you want to force someone to 'skip ahead' in life and learn that life lesson, right now, because you said so! I have recently had some insight into a couple of different relationships where one person wanted to force the other to be what they decided they should be. A good analogy for this is giving calculus to a kindergartner, and expecting them to ace it. Whether a person is 10, 20, 55 or 105, the lesson has to be learned at their pace. You can't make them "love themselves" if they are depressed. You can't expect perfect communication skills, even from the most extroverted people. We are human and we are flawed. I'm a big believer in accepting who a person is, but helping them be better. And to be honest, I am still figuring out good ways to do it! If you find yourself attacking someone because they aren't living up to your expectations, if you are spitting hateful speech out at someone, you are also poisoning yourself. Step back and realize they are coping the best they can with what they know and what they have now, just like you. "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

One of the hardest people to be kind and gentle with, is yourself. We are our own worst critics. We have inner demons ready to tell us how we screwed up, aren't good enough, will never make it, etc... etc... etc... (Thank you "The King and I") But we also have the power to tell them to stuff it! It's hard. It may make you feel sick the first time you have to do it. But, it gets easier. You CAN be your own cheering section. Its okay to acknowledge your own awesome! Some of the most wonderful people I know, don't know how wonderful they are! Something I have been working on lately is complimenting others. The old saying of 'the best way to forget your problems is to focus on others' is true. If you promote positivity and kindness with others, it makes it easier to be kind to yourself. If you have to think in terms of 'what would I tell my best friend if they were having this problem?' or 'how would I treat my Mom/sister/brother if they were going through this?' then do it!

This last one, a lot of people don't like to hear, but it is truth for me. Improve your relationship with the divine. No matter what you believe in, most people believe in some divine being/things in this world. For me, it is my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I remember that someone out there loves me unconditionally - literally - and even gave their life for me to be able to continue improving and growing. I try to see myself through those eyes, and to see those around me through those eyes. I want everyone to feel loved and of worth. I can't do it myself, so I pray and I trust in those divine, all-knowing beings to get us there. Even with us standing in our own way sometimes.

Just something to think about.