Relationships, Angels and Demons, Masks, Bandages... and Freedom

I reread a good book recently. I felt I needed to go through its' pages one more time. It's no longer in print but it is called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" and has a rather poetic and human way of looking at loss of all kinds, but mostly romantic loss or loss due to a death. I've had some encounters and short-lived romances recently that had me re-visiting the past, whether I wanted to or not. They say healthy, happy people live in the present. But I'm stuck.

My pain from my major losses has me chained-up inside and lashing out at those around me lately.

My father's absence in life is paralleled now by his absence in death. I'd like to say I know he loved us, but sometimes I wonder if I ever knew him at all.

The lacerations my ex-husband's betrayal left behind are still seeping and though they are not physical, at times they are as debilitating as if it had happened yesterday. I am tired of these last 8 years, those with YOU, and those spent trying to get past YOU. The thing that stings the most is how you had moved on before WE were ever through. I feel so angry and stupid for ever loving YOU!

I've been trying for four years to work through the loss and pain. I've been more spiritual, I've been more hedonistic. I've helped others and I've retreated and retrenched to my own inner sanctum, only to find I hold self-loathing parties internally. I've cried myself to sleep again recently, which just infuriates me! If I could, I'm not sure I could resist causing you harm if I knew I wouldn't get caught, just so I would know that you felt some measure of pain, because you will never grasp what I feel. (*the gun from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy isn't real, brain.)

I think about the possibilities of love with someone else, someone new...and shrink away, because I can't let them get close enough to do what you did; to see what is left of me. I gave you all of me, trusted YOU. You lied.

I've had friends that used their blogs as therapy. Posting their struggles and feelings so that others could know they aren't alone. I keep coming back to the fact that, while loved and wanted, I... AM... ALONE. And the ultimate conclusion is that I should be. It's safer for me. It's safer for them. No one can push me over the edge if I stand on it alone. I have no one to blame but myself now. And I'm still here.

I have been blessed in my life with angels of many kinds. Those that show me motherhood and all the angelic qualities that come with bearing life and raising up that life in goodness. Those that weren't perfect, but through their gifts and eyes, I was able to be loved again for a time and know that I am worth loving. Those that brought so much else into my life, I was able to forget for a while about the past. Those that glimpsed my crazy and responded with kindness. Those that were simply there and listened.

However, I am also plagued by demons I can't shake. I know deep down there are parts of me that desperately want to let them go! Back to the hell where they came from! But... just as desperately fighting are the parts that fear the increased emptiness if I don't have them. I'm in a toxic relationship with myself. I feel everything. (*stupid Pisces) I refuse to let myself feel. Box it away, keeps us safe.

Everyday is a costume party for me. I put on the trappings of my trade, whatever it is that day, and go about life as I'm able. Whether it's the pirate, the prophetess, the dutiful daughter/employee, the wacky and quirky flirt, the faithful one, the one that lets it all go...my greatest disguise of all. I've always been fond of costumes. My masks have become who I am, even the bandages beneath them; the ones holding me together beyond all reason and logic as I sip tea and contemplate things that begin with the letter "M" for a while.

So thank you to all those that nursed and bandaged the wounds they could see. To those that didn't choose to grind salt into the cuts. Thank you to all those that love me. I'm still here. That's something. Right?

Mid-Life, that's where I am. I know some of you would argue I am still just a baby, but remember where you were when here where I am. And those that are still so young, I DO remember where you are! I know. Remember, your learning from everything you touch! The ebb and flow continues for me too; Every struggle and trial is meant just for me, at this time.

Forgive me. I'm not strong enough to let it go. Not yet.

I don't know what good it does to post this, but I want it out of me! No drama! Just truth. They say it sets you free...