AAAAAAAGH!!!

Mom started calling and texting us around 7 this morning. I don't even usually turn my sound back on until I am leaving for work after 8-830. Not only was she calling, my uncle called because she called him and he could not call her back, going straight to voicemail! And then my cousin started texting me because his dad couldn't get a hold of my mom too! This is very reminiscent of when my grandma used to call at all hours of the early morning because she 'felt like someone was in trouble' or some such. She used to be 'in tune', but as she got older it was just more frequent and irritating. I told mom this was 'a grandma thing' and now she sends me novel-texts about how it's justified because the other side is attacking her, and that must be 'what grandma was going through too!'

I just got another overdrawn fee on my main account. It was an auto-pay for life insurance. I have friends who cancelled their life insurance but kept the cable and Internet. We don't have cable OR Internet, but with Mike and I's issues we felt like keeping the life insurance was a good idea. We have Netflix and unlimited data on both our phones and that is how we have any kind of entertainment... My boss has paid for these fees for me in the past because I was paid late. Not sure this qualifies, but theoretically should have been in the account yesterday, not just being processed. I emailed but am terrified of the response. I don't make enough money and we have run out of credit cards. Can't pay them down faster than we add more to them, and we are mainly paying for utilities/bills, gas and food! We still need to get cat food and the poodle groomed again soon...

As if all this was not enough, my car wouldn't start for 30 min (again!) on Saturday. Mom says it is the other side waging a tech war. Even if that is true, it doesn't solve the problem!!! I have just had it in for the speedometer to get fixed (about $500 put on a card) and still owe over $600 from the last mechanic place I used to go to...

The holidays are here. I should be thinking about gifts, but I never do. We never have funds. We bought things this summer with money we got from our Open House/Sealing presents stuff, (mostly paid things down, but got a fire pit for outside) but I am beating myself up in my brain for ANY expense that wasn't absolutely necessary since before I graduated high school!!! That if I just managed money better, we would be fine! I feel like my genetics are cursed. I have other family with similar issues. Personally, I/we have always had help. Church helps with food and Mike's meds, but I guilt myself over not being able to take care of myself, my household, my house, my car... I guess I am NOT a functioning adult?! Don't know what else to do. I appreciate people who say they would pay into a go-fund-me if we had it, but I am not ready to beg yet.

I am struggling to breathe at the moment through a years-long sinus issue/infection/allergies, and who-knows-what-else physical ailments, don't have medical insurance, can't afford even the homeopathic stuff now, and the worst of it is that STRESS MAKES IT WORSE!!! I am 3 steps away from cutting ties and running! But I would need at least one paycheck to run with! Lol! *maniacal laughter

I love my husband and family. I have a decent life. BUT... this... this is getting ...