I just want to sleep

I just want to sleep
Next to you

I just want to be held
Where the warmth is your touch

Wanting the cold to be our chilled skin
Needing you to drive away the shadows

However...I am solitary in my darkness
Hands reach out, not knowing how to calm
Unwittingly scaring already torn pieces

And the idea of you haunts me.

Not you, needing someone, not you
You hurt too much. Your light blinds and burns

Eternities settle into hearts long estranged

I am intimately acquainted with freezing to death on fire
And full emptinesses

And longing for a touch that heals
That chases all other thoughts away
Brings peace

And rest

I just want to sleep

Success today?

It is about 4:30 on a Wed. I have started the process for disability. I have started a 2018 tax return online. I have made it through all my emails and even listened to a friends podcast.

I have not listened to/read scriptures today. It is harder to keep track of where I am with the CD player. When I listened in my car, it remembered for me. Having lds.org read them to me can be monotonous and I fade in/out. I could do something for group. I have to do the 'tell my story' thing again. Boo. Grr argh.

Tired

I don't know when this is from. Just found it in my drafts folder...

This is not what I want my life to be. How am I the bad guy? Excuse me foe messing up your video game time. If we had been doing ANYTHING else, you would have cancelled.

Where is she?

Where is she? The authentic me? The one who dared? Wasn't afraid but free?
Who was I? The parts I want to keep? The friend to those in need? Worth her own show on TV?!
Will I be? Able to reconcile w me? Able to feel peace? Just able to get to sleep?!

2:30am seems somehow linked to things I can't remember to remember. Can't remember to forget.
Pain in my head grows. The letter remains unwritten. FB doesn't ask much of me. Really matters??
Tried to add a photo but on phone and tech hates me. Grr. Argh.

Holding Pattern, with Deadlines

Work has been stressful for months and with the changeover... trying to keep track of everything and not let anything fall through the cracks, but waiting on the "four projects" being called to have ONE finish so we can see how the reporting will go...

I want to be useful, but I don't want to get distracted or forget something important. I have gotten the current projects as far as I can without having the data back. I have discovered I will have a bit of formatting etc to do on the verbatim comments... More work... Still owed some cash from last year. Think they counted their necessary "increase" as my bonus, but I will never see it. It was taken as taxes and I don't get anything back really from Federal because we are uninsured. Last year got $2. Yup. Two.

A lot of people hurting, fighting illness (mental and physical), trying to recover, depressed, in need... I am one person doing the best I can. My brain says it is not good enough. "Should" be doing better.

Feeding sister missionaries today. I wonder how that will go. Temple recommends expire this month. Not ready to get renewed... not been making it to church. I don't want to go without Michael... in all senses (church or to renew).

Parties coming up and wanting to "make a splash" but not sure how - funds and energy and time... Still fighting mice (2 down, who knows how many to go) and as it gets warmer I am sure the bugs will be back. Not sure how to talk to her about counters/dishes etc...

Should I be doing lead gen? Working on Annuals?? Pestering the call center???!
I want to do my best and have integrity but I feel rushed AND stuck at the same time. Just "HERE". But being here is part of the job. Putting out the fires, answering the questions, formatting documents till my brain leaks out my ears! Lol. *sad laugh.

No one has been pestering me for their reports... YET.

Craving sushi AGAIN. ALWAYS. Taking more fish oil to try to compensate. Getting headaches. Worried about Mom. She was talking about 'do you know what to do, who to talk to, when I die?' Not a happy thought. Realistically, I understand it, but...

And weird and shocking dreams about past. Grr argh. Afraid flashbacks are coming. Part of me wants to know - the truth shall set you free - but more of me just screaming about how "why would anyone WANT to remember that crap?!"

Back to the grind I suppose... but I don't know what to do. *sigh.

It was really good and uplifting to hear Simon and Martina talk about their "community" and experiences with YouTube and blogging, etc... I don't think I will ever have that kind of experience, based on my past and trying to keep this sort of on the DL. Oh well. People DO like me!

Not useless, but close.

Today has been a bit of a struggle to get here and do anything. The big report was done... then... FB ate my brain.
I was late because I was at home being productive with dishes, laundry and little things no one notices but me. And feeding myself, let's not forget feeding myself. And more than half asmall chocchip banana bread. Takes time to make pancakes!

I am taking tomorrow off, but because of miss communications I now have to go in to my financial institution to correct some things...
I want to see my friends but know I don't have anything to offer. I know they love me, I still feel inadequate.
I have to go talk to my therapist about... things... shopping with hubby... recommends timing out... etc...etc...etc... ala "The King and I"
Poor people share and gift food. I really don't need all the fat, sugar and such... but love it all the same!
Study. Learn something. Watch something uplifting... Nope. Blogging. B*^ching.
Try to share the positive but it's like... no one sees what goes on inside. How do we enjoy the ride?

Well that was more trouble than I thought it would be. Hope it is worth it. Peace, out.

At least I know my email is working. Got the Twitter update I don't need... no notice on checks. Grr Argh.

Twitch twitch twitch...

Everything will work out fine.
I have all that I need.
*twitch.
I don't want to run away.
*twitch.
I want to stay here and be an adult.
*TWITCH.

Wishing and Choose the LIGHT

I wish he wanted to visit the temple... as much as he does GameStop.

I wish I could remember...and I'm glad I don't.

I wish I could do everything for her, because she did for me.

I wish I could take this from her, give her back her strength.

I wish all kids were as awesome as the ones I get to know.

I wish no child ever had to grow up with the traumas we have.

I wish wishing worked.

...

Faith always works. Charity Never Faileth. Choose the LIGHT.

AAAAAAAGH!!!

Mom started calling and texting us around 7 this morning. I don't even usually turn my sound back on until I am leaving for work after 8-830. Not only was she calling, my uncle called because she called him and he could not call her back, going straight to voicemail! And then my cousin started texting me because his dad couldn't get a hold of my mom too! This is very reminiscent of when my grandma used to call at all hours of the early morning because she 'felt like someone was in trouble' or some such. She used to be 'in tune', but as she got older it was just more frequent and irritating. I told mom this was 'a grandma thing' and now she sends me novel-texts about how it's justified because the other side is attacking her, and that must be 'what grandma was going through too!'

I just got another overdrawn fee on my main account. It was an auto-pay for life insurance. I have friends who cancelled their life insurance but kept the cable and Internet. We don't have cable OR Internet, but with Mike and I's issues we felt like keeping the life insurance was a good idea. We have Netflix and unlimited data on both our phones and that is how we have any kind of entertainment... My boss has paid for these fees for me in the past because I was paid late. Not sure this qualifies, but theoretically should have been in the account yesterday, not just being processed. I emailed but am terrified of the response. I don't make enough money and we have run out of credit cards. Can't pay them down faster than we add more to them, and we are mainly paying for utilities/bills, gas and food! We still need to get cat food and the poodle groomed again soon...

As if all this was not enough, my car wouldn't start for 30 min (again!) on Saturday. Mom says it is the other side waging a tech war. Even if that is true, it doesn't solve the problem!!! I have just had it in for the speedometer to get fixed (about $500 put on a card) and still owe over $600 from the last mechanic place I used to go to...

The holidays are here. I should be thinking about gifts, but I never do. We never have funds. We bought things this summer with money we got from our Open House/Sealing presents stuff, (mostly paid things down, but got a fire pit for outside) but I am beating myself up in my brain for ANY expense that wasn't absolutely necessary since before I graduated high school!!! That if I just managed money better, we would be fine! I feel like my genetics are cursed. I have other family with similar issues. Personally, I/we have always had help. Church helps with food and Mike's meds, but I guilt myself over not being able to take care of myself, my household, my house, my car... I guess I am NOT a functioning adult?! Don't know what else to do. I appreciate people who say they would pay into a go-fund-me if we had it, but I am not ready to beg yet.

I am struggling to breathe at the moment through a years-long sinus issue/infection/allergies, and who-knows-what-else physical ailments, don't have medical insurance, can't afford even the homeopathic stuff now, and the worst of it is that STRESS MAKES IT WORSE!!! I am 3 steps away from cutting ties and running! But I would need at least one paycheck to run with! Lol! *maniacal laughter

I love my husband and family. I have a decent life. BUT... this... this is getting ...

Rough Times

My phone is acting up more and more. Messages specifically.

Not feeling well. Getting major depressed. Having manic times. Trying to balance and stabilize, but work stress, family stress, money stress, worthiness stress...

Soooo tired!

Not sure what I should be doing. I help where I can. I try to be a good person. I feel like I am failing, missing something. I feel like I am watching a fuse burn away and trying to chase it down before it explodes.

So many friends! I love them, but I honestly still feel lonely. Back to the place I was as a teenager. Teenage Wasteland was on the radio the other day, I barely listened long enough (and then only because I know it from Blue Man group) but has been stuck in my head. That is happening lots more too. Songs stuck in my head on repeat. Driving me crazy!

"We all full up here, you take your crazy elsewhere!"

I feel impotent. Like the harder I try the worse it gets. I screwed things up and I can't fix it. And it affects others.

Easier to just stay away from people. That way you can't disappoint or harm or fail anyone.

So tired!

Christlike. Turn the other cheek. Help regardless of anything else, because that is what is important in the end. But... Somehow take care of yourself too. Does not compute for me.

So tired.

And it's not like I have had surgery and things removed and am in terrible pain. I feel like a whiner and a wimp. I can't handle my own life! Tired.

Thyroid, Yeast and Homeopathics, oh my! Health Update

The last few weeks have been a blur in many ways. I started a process to get healthier and figure out what was wrong. My body has been slowly trying to get my attention for some time now. Little things kept getting worse from stomach and digestive issues to sleep problems to mental health, I was in a spiral of degradation and ignoring it.

At this point, I have had blood tests for thyroid and been told I have an auto immune thyroid; I have gone off birth control, started walking 30 min/day, and have tried gluten free for a week and not sure that is the answer. I am currently trying to eat healthier but there is a lot of debate over what is the healthiest, even without having issues! Near as I can figure all the schools of thought agree that green foods are good, but there is even discrepancy on that!

I found a thing about probiotics and gut yeast that made me think "this is me!" with all the symptoms. Unfortunately is was basically a long commercial (about an hour video) for a specific product. I have a couple of friends who have tried it with no dramatic results, and since it is one of the more expensive options, we are holding off for now. (But knowing my natural flora being out of whack contributes to many other things getting off balance helps!)

I am trying a homeopathic remedy this week. I feel better about this than I did the gluten free process. I know I need to do something, and I am trying not to send my system (physical and mental) into shock (again!) with too many changes. It is hard to concentrate and focus and not just blah blah blah not-shut-up at people! (Yes, I know I was like that before, it is more prevalent! *scary thought.)

I am so grateful for supportive family and friends. I know the resources are there as I need them. I have prayed and prayed and will keep praying throughout this process.

MAKE IT BETTER!!!

When people tell me they like the things I post on my Facebook page, I feel warm and happy. I try to post things that are funny, uplifting and bring light into the world. Sometimes there are horrible things happening and we don't have to shut our eyes to it, but we can make it better. We may not have a million dollars to feed everyone, but we can take time to help those around us. Even our families; we try to help with dinners if we are visiting friends and family, sometimes just bringing it ourselves because they need a break.

You may not be able to stop the terrible shootings and people being driven from their homes, but you can help those who may have come to your community. Make a phone call, find out what is needed and involve your neighbors, friends, church etc... to provide it. We are all children of a Heavenly Father which makes us a great big earthly family. Sometimes just simply cleaning out your closets and donating to the local thrift store or charity is all we can do, but if we all do a little we can accomplish great things!

This is my prayer today, that someone will be inspired, will find a new way to help, will smile because of something I have said or posted. Focus on the light and the shadows fade away behind! God bless!

Guilt, Winning and Thank You Notes.

I am the only person I know who feels guilty when I win, guilty when I get a thank you note and... well, guilty for feeling guilty!

Was told once that guilt is there to spur you on to better actions and choices. Don't know how that applies to playing Sorry (old board game) with a couple of friends and feeling bad every time I bumped them back to start. I ended up winning the game, you see. ... IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!

I have had 'thank you notes' in a bag, trying to send them out for months. Recently received a thank you note in the mail from a friend for attending her baby shower. Now she not only has finished creating a whole person, but she got her notes out before I did too! Lol. Getting her note reminded me of my notes. I dutifully dug the bag out from under the mess it had been buried in, carried it around with me, and still haven't gotten anymore sent.

I suppose I am lazy or boring or something, but I do seem to always have things to do and people to care for, help and worry about. That seems like a blessing to me. Now if I could just get my brain/emotions etc... to see it that way!

Morning Ramblings...

So tired of waking up tired. Places to be and things to do, but I just want to rest and FEEL rested.
Mike had a rough night. And so of course the cat comes meowing in early to boot. He has a hard enough time in the morning let alone days we should be getting up for Stake Conf. He's not likely to get up. I'm not likely to go w/o him.

Last dream I had was screaming at people to get out of my house by the end. Children were watching me me in the bathroom and trying to take things from the house. Then adults too. Not this current house, wasn't the same... But took 20 min and actually going to the bathroom before I could pull out of it. I feel drained. That's not right. It took a while to get to sleep, but I slept! Shouldn't I feel recharged? Rested? That's why I want to crawl back in bed.

I'm back in bed and dose-y. Can't quite wake. Keep trying to talk myself into doing something; start laundry so I can have clean underthings, or go downstairs and eat something so I can take vitamins, but I don't want to wake Michael. The pets have done enough of that.

What's in a name? How can I remember? And other life's experiences...

I have friends who are starting a cooking blog together. One is going to teach the other how to cook/bake/all-things-kitchen-y, and then they will blog about it. They have been asking for help with a name for it. I don't think I take too much time with those things... just go with something and have fun with it. Change it or start a new one if you feel like it later.

I went to great event and met a lot of local authors (didn't even make it around the whole room in 4 hours!) but I have been struggling with keeping track of people. I have joked that I collect people, and that 'as long as I do it online and not in my basement, it's okay!' I feel bad when I can't remember someone's name or how/where we met, but the human brain isn't meant to hold that much info. I have been told the ideal for humans is to live in small, self-sustaining communities of 100-200... and I passed those numbers online AGES ago!

I have been struggling a lot with depression and family issues. Especially with the holidays coming up and not having the funds to do... well, anything... again. I have tried to do little things in the past so I at least had something to give to those who get me presents, but I haven't felt up to that lately. I have been trying to focus on spiritual things and my own immediate home and family... I have had to pull back from a lot of activities and even remove some toxic people. It hurts like having your chest hollowed out with an adamantium melon-baller, just saying. And more over, there are people still in my life that are having to deal with the negative and worse things than I am... I just use that to berate myself internally that I should (there's the "should-ing on myself" again) be able to deal with it. All of it. And more. Because I should, that's why!

I can't save everyone. I can't save anyone. I can work towards perfecting myself. I can help my husband. I can love my friends and will do all that I can. But when I lose it and need a break, try to remember, I'm only human. *ironic, we are reading "I, Robot" for book club.

Google... you almost failed me!

I have spent the last 20 min trying to get access to my blog back. It kept telling me I wasn't logged in to the correct account, or that the account didn't have admin privileges or some such other BS. Made me very mad, as this has been my blog since 2009!

Oviously I got it back. Grr! Argh!

Not the bad guy

Tried to call a couple of people, but that did not work out, so I am venting here.
We have plans on Saturday. They have been on the calendar for MONTHS! We have a costume/potluck/birthday party, and we are supposed to be there at 6pm. It is Thursday, btw.
[Husband] gets a text asking if we can feed the missionaries. He texts me, 'are we doing anything on Saturday?'
I tell him, yes, we have the bday party. (He hasn't said anything about missionaries to me yet, so I am just assuming he has forgotten plans again)
We proceed to go back and forth in text, until I call to try to clarify. We both get frustrated and he ends up yelling and hanging up on me...
Last communication is, 'we should never be too busy to feed the missionaries'. *stab stab, lemon juice.

So I am the bad guy for sticking to the plans and trying to get two costumes together, as well as prep a veggie tray, as well as take the car in (been without air conditioner fan for almost 2 weeks!) I don't think so. Not fair. We have to schedule and choose and as nice as it would be to feed the missionaries, we have plans! I shouldn't be made to feel like a jerk who isn't 'in tune' for this. I just want to go to my friend's party and have a good time.

Q: What did the fish say when he ran into the brick wall?

I am having a rough day today. Woke up this morning and was just completely pissed at everything. I mean everything. Every little thing set me off. I couldn't get out of it. The shampoo and conditioner in the shower, the towels, the stove, the dishes, my clothes, my cat, my house, my books, everything!!!

I tried to explain it to a couple of different people, but it didn't really help much. I eventually had to 'repress, repress, repress' and just get to work. I have worked on everything that has come across my desk. I don't think I alienated my boss. But now there is a dust storm and I want to leave, but I don't want to go home. Mom called me again, by accident and said stay away from semis. Kat called me back earlier, but I had work at the time. I hope her MRI yields some positive results. I texted at Mike a bit this morning before I actually came in the building. I think I scared him. I don't want to scare anyone, but I feel like a crazy person.

I hope its just that I didn't take my vitamins (meds, for me) the other day and have coinciding weather conditions as well as female problems. I don't want to deal with anything else breaking or not working like it should. I don't want to deal with any more money problems and watch people spend who I know don't have it. I don't want to feel paralyzed because I want to act and can't because I am crossing lines. I keep praying and praying and screaming and crying and most of it is just in my head so I can just keep going! I am good at that... or I thought I was. Apparently I am just ignoring/bottling/repressing till I blow up.

I feel sick today too. On top of everything. And Dale is out of town so I won't get that check... Line of credit is a blessing and a curse. Should have bought a new oven. I am wearing a new bra... but that was necessary because the were coming apart at the seams, LITERALLY! So why do I feel guilty, like I've done so many things wrong. I just can't shake it. I hope it is just the weather, because that means it will go away.

Dan said something interesting this morning about wishing he could fast forward 3 months. I mentioned the movie Click and we had a melancholy and brief discussion. We can still laugh. There is still hope.

A: Damn.

New Publicist - Author Jason King

I have accepted a probationary position as a publicist. I have been asked to do things like this in the past, but was unable to get into the subject matter (one was a friend who does MMA fighting).
I have read Jason's books, and delight in his sense of humor as well as art of fantasy writing.
Here is a review on goodreads.com: The Lure of Fools by Jason King
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I found myself not able to put it down. I wanted to know what would happen, would the siblings come to blows? Would the farmboy succumb to the magical sword, or overcome himself? From crystal golems to spy-like intrigue, it is a great page turner, I highly recommend it and am looking forward to book 2!

View all my reviews

And a link to his webpage: http://www.authorjasonking.com/

And you can find him on Facebook too! www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Jason-King

Looking forward to this becoming an awesome part of my life!

Miranda the pirate and Mike the ninja

My husband and I have acquired a 3-month free subscription to Netflix. Our avatars are a pirate lady and a ninja face. This strikes me as very telling at the moment. I have always ended up a pirate, since the 5th grade playing pirates on the playground, to my time in the SCA (SCA.org)as a member of a pirate crew.

Mike on the the other hand, has always ended up a ninja. He even did a short video with his friends years back called "I am ninja!" that I believe is unfortunately lost to the interwebs.

Now it occurs to me, if we have the pirate and the ninja does this mean if we EVER chose to procreate, we would have a cowboy? (or cowgirl).

Ba dum dum, tss!