Holding Pattern, with Deadlines

Work has been stressful for months and with the changeover... trying to keep track of everything and not let anything fall through the cracks, but waiting on the "four projects" being called to have ONE finish so we can see how the reporting will go...

I want to be useful, but I don't want to get distracted or forget something important. I have gotten the current projects as far as I can without having the data back. I have discovered I will have a bit of formatting etc to do on the verbatim comments... More work... Still owed some cash from last year. Think they counted their necessary "increase" as my bonus, but I will never see it. It was taken as taxes and I don't get anything back really from Federal because we are uninsured. Last year got $2. Yup. Two.

A lot of people hurting, fighting illness (mental and physical), trying to recover, depressed, in need... I am one person doing the best I can. My brain says it is not good enough. "Should" be doing better.

Feeding sister missionaries today. I wonder how that will go. Temple recommends expire this month. Not ready to get renewed... not been making it to church. I don't want to go without Michael... in all senses (church or to renew).

Parties coming up and wanting to "make a splash" but not sure how - funds and energy and time... Still fighting mice (2 down, who knows how many to go) and as it gets warmer I am sure the bugs will be back. Not sure how to talk to her about counters/dishes etc...

Should I be doing lead gen? Working on Annuals?? Pestering the call center???!
I want to do my best and have integrity but I feel rushed AND stuck at the same time. Just "HERE". But being here is part of the job. Putting out the fires, answering the questions, formatting documents till my brain leaks out my ears! Lol. *sad laugh.

No one has been pestering me for their reports... YET.

Craving sushi AGAIN. ALWAYS. Taking more fish oil to try to compensate. Getting headaches. Worried about Mom. She was talking about 'do you know what to do, who to talk to, when I die?' Not a happy thought. Realistically, I understand it, but...

And weird and shocking dreams about past. Grr argh. Afraid flashbacks are coming. Part of me wants to know - the truth shall set you free - but more of me just screaming about how "why would anyone WANT to remember that crap?!"

Back to the grind I suppose... but I don't know what to do. *sigh.

It was really good and uplifting to hear Simon and Martina talk about their "community" and experiences with YouTube and blogging, etc... I don't think I will ever have that kind of experience, based on my past and trying to keep this sort of on the DL. Oh well. People DO like me!

Not useless, but close.

Today has been a bit of a struggle to get here and do anything. The big report was done... then... FB ate my brain.
I was late because I was at home being productive with dishes, laundry and little things no one notices but me. And feeding myself, let's not forget feeding myself. And more than half asmall chocchip banana bread. Takes time to make pancakes!

I am taking tomorrow off, but because of miss communications I now have to go in to my financial institution to correct some things...
I want to see my friends but know I don't have anything to offer. I know they love me, I still feel inadequate.
I have to go talk to my therapist about... things... shopping with hubby... recommends timing out... etc...etc...etc... ala "The King and I"
Poor people share and gift food. I really don't need all the fat, sugar and such... but love it all the same!
Study. Learn something. Watch something uplifting... Nope. Blogging. B*^ching.
Try to share the positive but it's like... no one sees what goes on inside. How do we enjoy the ride?

Well that was more trouble than I thought it would be. Hope it is worth it. Peace, out.

At least I know my email is working. Got the Twitter update I don't need... no notice on checks. Grr Argh.

Twitch twitch twitch...

Everything will work out fine.
I have all that I need.
*twitch.
I don't want to run away.
*twitch.
I want to stay here and be an adult.
*TWITCH.

Wishing and Choose the LIGHT

I wish he wanted to visit the temple... as much as he does GameStop.

I wish I could remember...and I'm glad I don't.

I wish I could do everything for her, because she did for me.

I wish I could take this from her, give her back her strength.

I wish all kids were as awesome as the ones I get to know.

I wish no child ever had to grow up with the traumas we have.

I wish wishing worked.

...

Faith always works. Charity Never Faileth. Choose the LIGHT.

AAAAAAAGH!!!

Mom started calling and texting us around 7 this morning. I don't even usually turn my sound back on until I am leaving for work after 8-830. Not only was she calling, my uncle called because she called him and he could not call her back, going straight to voicemail! And then my cousin started texting me because his dad couldn't get a hold of my mom too! This is very reminiscent of when my grandma used to call at all hours of the early morning because she 'felt like someone was in trouble' or some such. She used to be 'in tune', but as she got older it was just more frequent and irritating. I told mom this was 'a grandma thing' and now she sends me novel-texts about how it's justified because the other side is attacking her, and that must be 'what grandma was going through too!'

I just got another overdrawn fee on my main account. It was an auto-pay for life insurance. I have friends who cancelled their life insurance but kept the cable and Internet. We don't have cable OR Internet, but with Mike and I's issues we felt like keeping the life insurance was a good idea. We have Netflix and unlimited data on both our phones and that is how we have any kind of entertainment... My boss has paid for these fees for me in the past because I was paid late. Not sure this qualifies, but theoretically should have been in the account yesterday, not just being processed. I emailed but am terrified of the response. I don't make enough money and we have run out of credit cards. Can't pay them down faster than we add more to them, and we are mainly paying for utilities/bills, gas and food! We still need to get cat food and the poodle groomed again soon...

As if all this was not enough, my car wouldn't start for 30 min (again!) on Saturday. Mom says it is the other side waging a tech war. Even if that is true, it doesn't solve the problem!!! I have just had it in for the speedometer to get fixed (about $500 put on a card) and still owe over $600 from the last mechanic place I used to go to...

The holidays are here. I should be thinking about gifts, but I never do. We never have funds. We bought things this summer with money we got from our Open House/Sealing presents stuff, (mostly paid things down, but got a fire pit for outside) but I am beating myself up in my brain for ANY expense that wasn't absolutely necessary since before I graduated high school!!! That if I just managed money better, we would be fine! I feel like my genetics are cursed. I have other family with similar issues. Personally, I/we have always had help. Church helps with food and Mike's meds, but I guilt myself over not being able to take care of myself, my household, my house, my car... I guess I am NOT a functioning adult?! Don't know what else to do. I appreciate people who say they would pay into a go-fund-me if we had it, but I am not ready to beg yet.

I am struggling to breathe at the moment through a years-long sinus issue/infection/allergies, and who-knows-what-else physical ailments, don't have medical insurance, can't afford even the homeopathic stuff now, and the worst of it is that STRESS MAKES IT WORSE!!! I am 3 steps away from cutting ties and running! But I would need at least one paycheck to run with! Lol! *maniacal laughter

I love my husband and family. I have a decent life. BUT... this... this is getting ...

Rough Times

My phone is acting up more and more. Messages specifically.

Not feeling well. Getting major depressed. Having manic times. Trying to balance and stabilize, but work stress, family stress, money stress, worthiness stress...

Soooo tired!

Not sure what I should be doing. I help where I can. I try to be a good person. I feel like I am failing, missing something. I feel like I am watching a fuse burn away and trying to chase it down before it explodes.

So many friends! I love them, but I honestly still feel lonely. Back to the place I was as a teenager. Teenage Wasteland was on the radio the other day, I barely listened long enough (and then only because I know it from Blue Man group) but has been stuck in my head. That is happening lots more too. Songs stuck in my head on repeat. Driving me crazy!

"We all full up here, you take your crazy elsewhere!"

I feel impotent. Like the harder I try the worse it gets. I screwed things up and I can't fix it. And it affects others.

Easier to just stay away from people. That way you can't disappoint or harm or fail anyone.

So tired!

Christlike. Turn the other cheek. Help regardless of anything else, because that is what is important in the end. But... Somehow take care of yourself too. Does not compute for me.

So tired.

And it's not like I have had surgery and things removed and am in terrible pain. I feel like a whiner and a wimp. I can't handle my own life! Tired.

Thyroid, Yeast and Homeopathics, oh my! Health Update

The last few weeks have been a blur in many ways. I started a process to get healthier and figure out what was wrong. My body has been slowly trying to get my attention for some time now. Little things kept getting worse from stomach and digestive issues to sleep problems to mental health, I was in a spiral of degradation and ignoring it.

At this point, I have had blood tests for thyroid and been told I have an auto immune thyroid; I have gone off birth control, started walking 30 min/day, and have tried gluten free for a week and not sure that is the answer. I am currently trying to eat healthier but there is a lot of debate over what is the healthiest, even without having issues! Near as I can figure all the schools of thought agree that green foods are good, but there is even discrepancy on that!

I found a thing about probiotics and gut yeast that made me think "this is me!" with all the symptoms. Unfortunately is was basically a long commercial (about an hour video) for a specific product. I have a couple of friends who have tried it with no dramatic results, and since it is one of the more expensive options, we are holding off for now. (But knowing my natural flora being out of whack contributes to many other things getting off balance helps!)

I am trying a homeopathic remedy this week. I feel better about this than I did the gluten free process. I know I need to do something, and I am trying not to send my system (physical and mental) into shock (again!) with too many changes. It is hard to concentrate and focus and not just blah blah blah not-shut-up at people! (Yes, I know I was like that before, it is more prevalent! *scary thought.)

I am so grateful for supportive family and friends. I know the resources are there as I need them. I have prayed and prayed and will keep praying throughout this process.