That moment where you realize that if you do this thing and help this person, it is going to be damaging to you? You know that moment where you want to hit someone with the proverbial "clue-by-four" because they just refuse to grasp something? The realization that the annoying thing 'that person' does is so annoying, because you do it too?
If you can relate to any of those, then this might be helpful. After all, that is what we want to do, isn't it? Help someone, our loved ones, even ourselves? But when does it become a bad thing?
There is a buzz word in psychology called 'Enabling' that I have received a pretty good definition for: doing something for someone that they CAN do for themselves. This isn't to say never help anyone do things they can do, but it refers more to situations where a person's refusal to move forward causes you to want to 'do it for them' or 'fix them'. You may have had the dialogue in your head sound something like, "well if you would just do this thing I'm telling you". A lot of parents go through this. (I have been told. I am not a parent. I choose not to be and have great respect for all the 'rents that do the job proud.)
A recent example with a friend of mine is driving out of her way to give her son a ride to work. She doesn't want him to lose his job and not pay his rent - unthinkable - but what she is missing is that every time she has tried to help him, she has been mistreated and yelled at, and/or put in very negative compromising situations. In this case, helping is hurting. Her fears of him getting into trouble are valid, BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE GETTING INTO TROUBLE! He should be experiencing negative consequences if he is making bad choices! Instead he surrounds himself with people he is trying to 'help' who are using him, and those that love him get the back-lash. Whether it's financial or simply a ride, sometimes you have to say "I'm sorry, no I can't. You are an adult; I know you'll figure it out."
There is another kind of help that is damaging to both parties involved; when you want to force someone to 'skip ahead' in life and learn that life lesson, right now, because you said so! I have recently had some insight into a couple of different relationships where one person wanted to force the other to be what they decided they should be. A good analogy for this is giving calculus to a kindergartner, and expecting them to ace it. Whether a person is 10, 20, 55 or 105, the lesson has to be learned at their pace. You can't make them "love themselves" if they are depressed. You can't expect perfect communication skills, even from the most extroverted people. We are human and we are flawed. I'm a big believer in accepting who a person is, but helping them be better. And to be honest, I am still figuring out good ways to do it! If you find yourself attacking someone because they aren't living up to your expectations, if you are spitting hateful speech out at someone, you are also poisoning yourself. Step back and realize they are coping the best they can with what they know and what they have now, just like you. "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
One of the hardest people to be kind and gentle with, is yourself. We are our own worst critics. We have inner demons ready to tell us how we screwed up, aren't good enough, will never make it, etc... etc... etc... (Thank you "The King and I") But we also have the power to tell them to stuff it! It's hard. It may make you feel sick the first time you have to do it. But, it gets easier. You CAN be your own cheering section. Its okay to acknowledge your own awesome! Some of the most wonderful people I know, don't know how wonderful they are! Something I have been working on lately is complimenting others. The old saying of 'the best way to forget your problems is to focus on others' is true. If you promote positivity and kindness with others, it makes it easier to be kind to yourself. If you have to think in terms of 'what would I tell my best friend if they were having this problem?' or 'how would I treat my Mom/sister/brother if they were going through this?' then do it!
This last one, a lot of people don't like to hear, but it is truth for me. Improve your relationship with the divine. No matter what you believe in, most people believe in some divine being/things in this world. For me, it is my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I remember that someone out there loves me unconditionally - literally - and even gave their life for me to be able to continue improving and growing. I try to see myself through those eyes, and to see those around me through those eyes. I want everyone to feel loved and of worth. I can't do it myself, so I pray and I trust in those divine, all-knowing beings to get us there. Even with us standing in our own way sometimes.
Just something to think about.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Running out of Optimism
Begin life rant 15Jan2014 -
Mike has been denied disability again. The lawyer says it takes an average of a year to get before a judge. And that he needs to get in to a doctor at least once every 3 months.
The logic behind the doctor visits is that if he isn't going to the doctor, it's not that bad.
... grr argh.
Well, if we had money for that, we wouldn't be trying to get him on disability!!! This is the option left because of Mike's sporadic and declining health. He is unable to work a regular job consistently enough for an employer to keep him, therefore, disability.
I tried to check out healthcare.gov and insurance/subsidy options, but the last time we tried to go to a 'FREE' clinic, they denied us because I make too much. I don't make enough, but I make too much.
We tried Medicaid a couple of years ago and were denied there too. (I don't remember a whole lot except that getting a hold of someone was not always easy and again, a lot of paperwork and 'go to a doctor' stuff. Mike was the primary person on that.)
*sigh. And the irony is all the healthcare plans have warning timer symbols that this is the last day -15 Jan - to enroll for coverage to begin on Feb 1st.
Last month (Dec) we put about $500 on a card to get the maintenance and needed repairs on my car. This month, I crunched it. The insurance covers AFTER the $500 deductible, which I will need to pay to get my car back from the repair shop. Right now I am planning on putting it on my debit card, knowing it will push us over our limit and accrue fines, but not having another option. Unless my car isn’t ready until Monday (payday) then we’ll have the money, but likely be short on something else.
I don’t keep a lot of credit cards, but am beginning to see how the debt happens. If you have no other options, bills still have to be paid! At least I have a job…
We are likely to move in with my Mom-in-law come mid-end of March. I am truly grateful to have that option, as I’m not sure we could keep up with the rent/bills otherwise. She can use our help/money too… But I’m not going to lie and say this is ideal.
That moment when you wish something would give.
I know Heavenly Father has a plan. I know he wants to help us learn and grow, and that this happens many times through difficulties and trials… But DANG!
Running out of optimism ya’ll. I know there are those worse off. I know we have many and varied blessings in the form of those around us and what we DO have, but I have this foreboding I can’t shake that this is just the beginning and the cliff/fall aren’t even in view yet.
Mike has been denied disability again. The lawyer says it takes an average of a year to get before a judge. And that he needs to get in to a doctor at least once every 3 months.
The logic behind the doctor visits is that if he isn't going to the doctor, it's not that bad.
... grr argh.
Well, if we had money for that, we wouldn't be trying to get him on disability!!! This is the option left because of Mike's sporadic and declining health. He is unable to work a regular job consistently enough for an employer to keep him, therefore, disability.
I tried to check out healthcare.gov and insurance/subsidy options, but the last time we tried to go to a 'FREE' clinic, they denied us because I make too much. I don't make enough, but I make too much.
We tried Medicaid a couple of years ago and were denied there too. (I don't remember a whole lot except that getting a hold of someone was not always easy and again, a lot of paperwork and 'go to a doctor' stuff. Mike was the primary person on that.)
*sigh. And the irony is all the healthcare plans have warning timer symbols that this is the last day -15 Jan - to enroll for coverage to begin on Feb 1st.
Last month (Dec) we put about $500 on a card to get the maintenance and needed repairs on my car. This month, I crunched it. The insurance covers AFTER the $500 deductible, which I will need to pay to get my car back from the repair shop. Right now I am planning on putting it on my debit card, knowing it will push us over our limit and accrue fines, but not having another option. Unless my car isn’t ready until Monday (payday) then we’ll have the money, but likely be short on something else.
I don’t keep a lot of credit cards, but am beginning to see how the debt happens. If you have no other options, bills still have to be paid! At least I have a job…
We are likely to move in with my Mom-in-law come mid-end of March. I am truly grateful to have that option, as I’m not sure we could keep up with the rent/bills otherwise. She can use our help/money too… But I’m not going to lie and say this is ideal.
That moment when you wish something would give.
I know Heavenly Father has a plan. I know he wants to help us learn and grow, and that this happens many times through difficulties and trials… But DANG!
Running out of optimism ya’ll. I know there are those worse off. I know we have many and varied blessings in the form of those around us and what we DO have, but I have this foreboding I can’t shake that this is just the beginning and the cliff/fall aren’t even in view yet.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Porn is bad, m'kay?!
I posted a simple thing on my FB. It says "Porn. It's not cool and not ok. Like if you agree. FB/voicesforvirtue".
That's all. I have friends that apparently feel threatened by this and need to voice 'counterpoint' opinions. Is it wrong of me to tell them to voice those opinions on their OWN page? It says 'Like if you agree', not rant if you disagree. And, yes, with something as distasteful to me as this, I will politely ask you to voice your opinion on your page. Grr argh. People today.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Inspiration's Knocking
I have been inspired by friends and family lately with their blogs to write something here today. The only problem is deciding WHAT to write!?
The argument could be made that since my whole blog is 'random' it doesn't really matter what I write. However, I like to keep it at least mildly entertaining. Those that are my friends on FB get PLENTY of random from me already! *wink*
I thought about being spiritual with it. I'm LDS (Mormon) and still a work in progress to perfection. I'm grateful for my family and friends, both near and far, that have lifted me toward the light. I try to be a source of joy and brightness for those around me too.
I thought about fashion, pop-culture, books and movies. I'm currently reading the first book in the Mistborn series by Brandon Sanderson. I'm enthralled! It seems familiar to me and I'm sure I've gotten the run-down on the better points of the Mistborn 'verse from some friends in the past. I started it because of new friends I'm making and gaming with.
Movies - last one I watched was Chronicle. It was okay, but a little dark. I was hoping for a more... hopeful ending I guess. *SPOILERS* The hardest death was Steve. He was a great guy and a great friend, who in the end was just trying to be there for someone. It reminds me a lot of the death in Patch Adams. When good people put themselves out there and risk to help others, there is always the possibility that they can be taken advantage of or harmed. I like to believe the best in people. I grew up on a lot of Sci-Fi like Star Trek, where the best points of humanity are what helps us survive and overcome all the crazy aliens, situations and politics of the future. There is a long-running Internet meme about "Faith In Humanity" and I have been adding or subtracting "points" from my FIH on the-great-book-of-faces lately. I still believe the best in people. Sometimes it gets shaken. Someone takes your keys or wallet. Your car or house gets broken into. You hear about atrocities committed by people and governments all over the world. BUT...
For me, I try to remember the best people I have known. What makes me love them, and how they love me. My Savior Jesus Christ is at the top of that list, surely, but it is a LIST. There are many more examples of good in this world. They are right next to us. They are the guys that stop to help when I blow out a tire on the freeway. The friends who take the time to listen to my fears and tell me it will be okay. The moms that love their kids and teach them about charity, honor and faith by their great examples. Your kids aren't the only ones watching. Thank you!
I knew if I started rambling, it would go somewhere. If I have time, I'll try to keep this up. If my randomness has been uplifting, then its worth it!
God bless!
The argument could be made that since my whole blog is 'random' it doesn't really matter what I write. However, I like to keep it at least mildly entertaining. Those that are my friends on FB get PLENTY of random from me already! *wink*
I thought about being spiritual with it. I'm LDS (Mormon) and still a work in progress to perfection. I'm grateful for my family and friends, both near and far, that have lifted me toward the light. I try to be a source of joy and brightness for those around me too.
I thought about fashion, pop-culture, books and movies. I'm currently reading the first book in the Mistborn series by Brandon Sanderson. I'm enthralled! It seems familiar to me and I'm sure I've gotten the run-down on the better points of the Mistborn 'verse from some friends in the past. I started it because of new friends I'm making and gaming with.
Movies - last one I watched was Chronicle. It was okay, but a little dark. I was hoping for a more... hopeful ending I guess. *SPOILERS* The hardest death was Steve. He was a great guy and a great friend, who in the end was just trying to be there for someone. It reminds me a lot of the death in Patch Adams. When good people put themselves out there and risk to help others, there is always the possibility that they can be taken advantage of or harmed. I like to believe the best in people. I grew up on a lot of Sci-Fi like Star Trek, where the best points of humanity are what helps us survive and overcome all the crazy aliens, situations and politics of the future. There is a long-running Internet meme about "Faith In Humanity" and I have been adding or subtracting "points" from my FIH on the-great-book-of-faces lately. I still believe the best in people. Sometimes it gets shaken. Someone takes your keys or wallet. Your car or house gets broken into. You hear about atrocities committed by people and governments all over the world. BUT...
For me, I try to remember the best people I have known. What makes me love them, and how they love me. My Savior Jesus Christ is at the top of that list, surely, but it is a LIST. There are many more examples of good in this world. They are right next to us. They are the guys that stop to help when I blow out a tire on the freeway. The friends who take the time to listen to my fears and tell me it will be okay. The moms that love their kids and teach them about charity, honor and faith by their great examples. Your kids aren't the only ones watching. Thank you!
I knew if I started rambling, it would go somewhere. If I have time, I'll try to keep this up. If my randomness has been uplifting, then its worth it!
God bless!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The Fight.
The fight drained out of me and onto the screen.
It was dripping wet and smelled funny, but was furious.
The fight wasn't done yet, but I was.
I tried to ignore it, and it got louder.
I tried to cajole it and it saw through me and pushed harder.
I tried to accept it, but the longer the fight was around, the sadder I got.
So I decided to kill the fight, the only way I could. I put it in the screen. On the webs. Outside of me, but still a part of who I am because the world might see it.
I feel tired and empty. Lonely even.
Is it the seasons? Is it the times? Is it the people?
Or is it just the fight?
It was dripping wet and smelled funny, but was furious.
The fight wasn't done yet, but I was.
I tried to ignore it, and it got louder.
I tried to cajole it and it saw through me and pushed harder.
I tried to accept it, but the longer the fight was around, the sadder I got.
So I decided to kill the fight, the only way I could. I put it in the screen. On the webs. Outside of me, but still a part of who I am because the world might see it.
I feel tired and empty. Lonely even.
Is it the seasons? Is it the times? Is it the people?
Or is it just the fight?
Monday, November 14, 2011
Fear Factory SLC, UT - Epically Cool!
From Fri 11Nov2011 to 12Nov2011 (FB posts) -
I'm going through Fear Factory tonight! 666 West and bout 850 South! Open Fri and Sat for two more weeks!
16 hours ago
9 hours ago - IT... WAS... AWESOME! More later.
(the next morning)
So my body decided I'm awake now... couldn't POSSIBLEY have to do with getting the tar scared out of me last night!
Seriously though, even after watching the better part of the Power Rangers movie to "decompress" I still feel like I went through a scary movie and survived!
The dynamics and just plain details... the location and history alone had me giddy before we ever entered the factory! And everything worked! Top notch! The moon was full, my loved onez were with me...
Sasha asked me how haunted houses could still get to me so much after all these years, after workjng at them myself... but he forgets that THAT is why I was so much fun at Rocky!
What does it say about us that so many things we saw in the decor made us think, "ooh, can I have one of those at my house?" (The entrances and gateways and lighting etc... I think some even admired the mirrors and torture chambers, lol!)
I thought I was doing so well, made it over the heights on the rickety bridge - all thanks to my Sweetie charging in and being there - the myriad of gooey looking parts everywhere from the zombie who opened his head to scratch his brains, to the splattering windows I was totally fooled by, more than once! (Thank you Dru for miking me go first!
There were so many great moments wondering 'is that going to move?!' and 'is that real?!!'
It was so good to see everyone! The actors that knew me and got to say my name, someone sending it up the line every few rooms was just enough to catch me off guard but not overdue it!
Even while we were waiting for everyone in our group to arrive, the wandering fiends and dead kept us entertained! We saw a zombie war - my pick, "Brains" as I was calling him, lost to a shovel weilding younger-looking guy, who kept showing up again throughout the factory!
Even when the dead things got close and growled, it was great cuz I smelled chocolate donut! (My companions assured me it was because he had just eatrn someone who had eaten a donut!
The doll room creeps me out, probably always will. But it was more than mangled plastic faces staring vacant from the walls, they wanted 'to play' and when the China Doll slowly and mechanically stepped from her mirrord box... I was 5 years old again, and my talking baby doll, low on batteries, was calling me "Momma" in a demonic voice that made me remove the batteries and never put them in again!
Now I have to be honest... I completely froze at the slide! For a split second, as I watched my companions disappear one by one into the black, I thought, "if they can do it, I can do it." But just seconds after Mike went down, he screamed. All that went through my head was, 'THERE'S A DROP!!?' I spent a good few min wrestling with myself, pacing back and forth as other groups passed, screaming fo Mike and probably giving the poor security guy an anuerism because I couldn't make myself slip into the darkness and unknown! When I did eventually force my way down... EVERYONE WAS GONE! Mike startled me so much when he caught up to me and hugged me from behind! Lol
(*there is no drop... just psyched out by the scream!*)
The smoke, the cold, the atmosphere just rocks! The only thing I can say I could do without was the stairs, but even that added so much to the 'survived-an-apocolypse' feel! My steampunk enthusiasts would adore all the pipes, gears and metal of the factory!
I would have LOVED to linger in the crypt!
In closing, Fear Factory is already a great haunt. Sure there are things to be improved, there are tight spaces to freak you out but they warn you!! If you can face your fears and make it out alive, you'll only want to come back and test yourself - and your luck ;) - again and again!
I'm going through Fear Factory tonight! 666 West and bout 850 South! Open Fri and Sat for two more weeks!
16 hours ago
9 hours ago - IT... WAS... AWESOME! More later.
(the next morning)
So my body decided I'm awake now... couldn't POSSIBLEY have to do with getting the tar scared out of me last night!
Seriously though, even after watching the better part of the Power Rangers movie to "decompress" I still feel like I went through a scary movie and survived!
The dynamics and just plain details... the location and history alone had me giddy before we ever entered the factory! And everything worked! Top notch! The moon was full, my loved onez were with me...
Sasha asked me how haunted houses could still get to me so much after all these years, after workjng at them myself... but he forgets that THAT is why I was so much fun at Rocky!
What does it say about us that so many things we saw in the decor made us think, "ooh, can I have one of those at my house?" (The entrances and gateways and lighting etc... I think some even admired the mirrors and torture chambers, lol!)
I thought I was doing so well, made it over the heights on the rickety bridge - all thanks to my Sweetie charging in and being there - the myriad of gooey looking parts everywhere from the zombie who opened his head to scratch his brains, to the splattering windows I was totally fooled by, more than once! (Thank you Dru for miking me go first!
There were so many great moments wondering 'is that going to move?!' and 'is that real?!!'
It was so good to see everyone! The actors that knew me and got to say my name, someone sending it up the line every few rooms was just enough to catch me off guard but not overdue it!
Even while we were waiting for everyone in our group to arrive, the wandering fiends and dead kept us entertained! We saw a zombie war - my pick, "Brains" as I was calling him, lost to a shovel weilding younger-looking guy, who kept showing up again throughout the factory!
Even when the dead things got close and growled, it was great cuz I smelled chocolate donut! (My companions assured me it was because he had just eatrn someone who had eaten a donut!
The doll room creeps me out, probably always will. But it was more than mangled plastic faces staring vacant from the walls, they wanted 'to play' and when the China Doll slowly and mechanically stepped from her mirrord box... I was 5 years old again, and my talking baby doll, low on batteries, was calling me "Momma" in a demonic voice that made me remove the batteries and never put them in again!
Now I have to be honest... I completely froze at the slide! For a split second, as I watched my companions disappear one by one into the black, I thought, "if they can do it, I can do it." But just seconds after Mike went down, he screamed. All that went through my head was, 'THERE'S A DROP!!?' I spent a good few min wrestling with myself, pacing back and forth as other groups passed, screaming fo Mike and probably giving the poor security guy an anuerism because I couldn't make myself slip into the darkness and unknown! When I did eventually force my way down... EVERYONE WAS GONE! Mike startled me so much when he caught up to me and hugged me from behind! Lol
(*there is no drop... just psyched out by the scream!*)
The smoke, the cold, the atmosphere just rocks! The only thing I can say I could do without was the stairs, but even that added so much to the 'survived-an-apocolypse' feel! My steampunk enthusiasts would adore all the pipes, gears and metal of the factory!
I would have LOVED to linger in the crypt!
In closing, Fear Factory is already a great haunt. Sure there are things to be improved, there are tight spaces to freak you out but they warn you!! If you can face your fears and make it out alive, you'll only want to come back and test yourself - and your luck ;) - again and again!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
A while and an uplift!
Haven't posted in a while, but wanted to write a quick note about something amazing happening in my life. Years ago, I was the girl who said 'I will never marry'. And it was so hard to let anyone in that first time. It did not end well and I will carry scars from my choices and his forever.
In the last month, I have been able to find someone who not only is a great man to me, but has made me think that the things I never thought possible... are possible! No, nothing is official and I won't jinx it, but for the first time in so long I can't remember, I want to go to the temple! If nothing else comes of this relationship, I thank God my Heavenly Father and my Sweetie for that!
God Bless!
In the last month, I have been able to find someone who not only is a great man to me, but has made me think that the things I never thought possible... are possible! No, nothing is official and I won't jinx it, but for the first time in so long I can't remember, I want to go to the temple! If nothing else comes of this relationship, I thank God my Heavenly Father and my Sweetie for that!
God Bless!
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