Flutter Down

Desperate for connecting
To a world that I’m neglecting
You’re right of course I brought this on myself.

I should have left it well enough alone.

Strangling in my covers
My head is filled with flutters
Butterflies I catch and kill and pin.
I’ll never be like Him.

Can’t help but feel
The rot and guilt
Time is marching on my grave
I’m just a slave.

I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention.

That’s not funny, it’s perverse.
Thank you.
Talk about schizophrenic conversations…
Where do you wanna be, if you don’t wanna be me?

I have not the will to fight today. Heaven help us

Going to go listen to Christian music to battle these demons.

NAMI, Jokes, Venting, Random Rambling, Eat Pray Love movie

First I want to post a link to help fund raise for a NAMI walk my friend Kelly is in:
http://www.nami.org/namiwalks10/SLC/kelly_peugh
www.nami.org

Second, I want to say that I read through a couple of my posts and had to laugh at the windshield/bug/butt joke again.

I also want to thank my soldiers. You do something I know I can't and hopefully you can take pride in helping and protecting others. Despite setbacks you may have, I do believe you will benefit from it. Loves and God Bless.

I was just thinking, I don't know if anyone reads this *crap* anyway. Sometimes I wonder if my life has impact. I wouldn't mind a Clarence to come and show me the difference, but I'd probably find - like some parodies I have seen - that everyone really WAS better off without me! Lol.

My calendar is full, but my heart is empty. Sometimes I feel like Swiss cheese. A target range sheet full of holes where things should be. I fill up with lots of people and experiences, but what am I ultimately going to be?

I saw EAT PRAY LOVE last night with my mom. It's a lovely movie of personal growth and healing... and parts of it just made me more mad/sad. There's a point where the main character is dealing with her divorce and says she is not waiting to forgive herself, but waiting for him to forgive her... Well, granted her sitch and mine are very different, so it's okay if I don't want forgiveness but retribution... right? I want to cut the chains I used to tie us together, the ones I thought were made of love. The ones that still squeeze me as he Houdini's his way around.

Amalgam of others
Twisted cuz you stole it
Tired by the neurons
Crammed into the bullet
BANG!

Wicked angel angsty
Infected by the choices
Avoiding life in levels
And listening to the voices
whisper whisper whisper...

Can you hear the harmony?
Can you see the beauty?
You know there's love and joy
So you do your duty
STONE.

A tick tick tick
Round the race inside
Can you ever let go
The poison of your pride?
seep seep seep.

Now that my darker side has vented...

God Bless you!

On a Lighter Note... Letters to God

Watched a great movie. You should check it out. If you're a cryer, bring the tissues. If you or someone in your life has been touched by cancer, or needed God, then watch this movie.

Relationships, Angels and Demons, Masks, Bandages... and Freedom

I reread a good book recently. I felt I needed to go through its' pages one more time. It's no longer in print but it is called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" and has a rather poetic and human way of looking at loss of all kinds, but mostly romantic loss or loss due to a death. I've had some encounters and short-lived romances recently that had me re-visiting the past, whether I wanted to or not. They say healthy, happy people live in the present. But I'm stuck.

My pain from my major losses has me chained-up inside and lashing out at those around me lately.

My father's absence in life is paralleled now by his absence in death. I'd like to say I know he loved us, but sometimes I wonder if I ever knew him at all.

The lacerations my ex-husband's betrayal left behind are still seeping and though they are not physical, at times they are as debilitating as if it had happened yesterday. I am tired of these last 8 years, those with YOU, and those spent trying to get past YOU. The thing that stings the most is how you had moved on before WE were ever through. I feel so angry and stupid for ever loving YOU!

I've been trying for four years to work through the loss and pain. I've been more spiritual, I've been more hedonistic. I've helped others and I've retreated and retrenched to my own inner sanctum, only to find I hold self-loathing parties internally. I've cried myself to sleep again recently, which just infuriates me! If I could, I'm not sure I could resist causing you harm if I knew I wouldn't get caught, just so I would know that you felt some measure of pain, because you will never grasp what I feel. (*the gun from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy isn't real, brain.)

I think about the possibilities of love with someone else, someone new...and shrink away, because I can't let them get close enough to do what you did; to see what is left of me. I gave you all of me, trusted YOU. You lied.

I've had friends that used their blogs as therapy. Posting their struggles and feelings so that others could know they aren't alone. I keep coming back to the fact that, while loved and wanted, I... AM... ALONE. And the ultimate conclusion is that I should be. It's safer for me. It's safer for them. No one can push me over the edge if I stand on it alone. I have no one to blame but myself now. And I'm still here.

I have been blessed in my life with angels of many kinds. Those that show me motherhood and all the angelic qualities that come with bearing life and raising up that life in goodness. Those that weren't perfect, but through their gifts and eyes, I was able to be loved again for a time and know that I am worth loving. Those that brought so much else into my life, I was able to forget for a while about the past. Those that glimpsed my crazy and responded with kindness. Those that were simply there and listened.

However, I am also plagued by demons I can't shake. I know deep down there are parts of me that desperately want to let them go! Back to the hell where they came from! But... just as desperately fighting are the parts that fear the increased emptiness if I don't have them. I'm in a toxic relationship with myself. I feel everything. (*stupid Pisces) I refuse to let myself feel. Box it away, keeps us safe.

Everyday is a costume party for me. I put on the trappings of my trade, whatever it is that day, and go about life as I'm able. Whether it's the pirate, the prophetess, the dutiful daughter/employee, the wacky and quirky flirt, the faithful one, the one that lets it all go...my greatest disguise of all. I've always been fond of costumes. My masks have become who I am, even the bandages beneath them; the ones holding me together beyond all reason and logic as I sip tea and contemplate things that begin with the letter "M" for a while.

So thank you to all those that nursed and bandaged the wounds they could see. To those that didn't choose to grind salt into the cuts. Thank you to all those that love me. I'm still here. That's something. Right?

Mid-Life, that's where I am. I know some of you would argue I am still just a baby, but remember where you were when here where I am. And those that are still so young, I DO remember where you are! I know. Remember, your learning from everything you touch! The ebb and flow continues for me too; Every struggle and trial is meant just for me, at this time.

Forgive me. I'm not strong enough to let it go. Not yet.

I don't know what good it does to post this, but I want it out of me! No drama! Just truth. They say it sets you free...

Circles and Walls and Inclusions

I have decided - for a time - to not be the inclusionists.

Running in circles in my head all the time, you'd think with all that exercise that muscle would be stronger somehow?

The last thing to go through a bugs' mind as it hits the windshield is: it's butt.

Blogging, Technology and Computers, Oh my!

I helped my mom set up a blog today. I hope that it lets her network some more. She actually created a Facebook page the other day and it has spawned a lot of website surfing lessons. *sigh. I love her.

Sunday Brunch at the Poplar Street Pub!

For those so inclined on a Sunday morning, not wanting to cook but needing their bacon fix, try Brunch at the pub! A buffet-style brunch with everything from hearty and delicious biscuits and sausage gravy, bacon and hash-browns with green peppers and onions, to the more health conscious and refreshing fruit (pineapple, melon, grapes), yogurt and even Red Rock Granola! They also serve French toast and made to order omelette's! And because it's the best brunch in town, they throw in some fantastic pot-stickers and giant, gooey, cinnamon rolls with cream cheese frosting! If you aren't drooling yet, you should be! So check it out, 11-3 on Sundays at The Poplar Street Pub. 242 South and 200 West in downtown Salt Lake City, UT. 801-532-2715

Showcase Cinemas 6 - First Run Movies, Best Price in town!

Showcase Cinemas 6 in Taylorsville Utah is a gem in the west! I just came back from seeing How To Train Your Dragon, in 3D for just 5 bucks! This includes the $2, 3D surcharge! Monday nights are just $3! All seats $4 before 6pm and $4 for kids, seniors and students with ID after 6pm; just $6 for adults!

If you have a date night, if you want to catch a first run movie for the lowest price, go to this theater! They even have mints after the movie as you walk out! It's a great little independent theater and local Utah business that I fully endorse and support!

They have a website and special events, if you're looking for somewhere to watch Iron Man 2 at midnight, they are having special showings! See the website for more amazing deals and links, or to purchase tickets!

http://showcasecinemas6.com/index.php

Showcase Cinemas 6
(Mann 6, Plaza 5400)
5400 South Redwood Road
Taylorsville, Utah 84123
801 957-9032

Pushing and Pulling... and an open letter to those that love me.

"We cannot teach people anything. We can only help them discover it in themselves." - Galileo

Recently I have had a conflict in my life with someone who loves me very much. Because of this, they have pushed a point of view so much that I struggle to even be around them for fear of hearing how I'm not living up to this particular expectation. It doesn't matter if the thing is right, if you push it on someone, you are still pushing. Usually pushing them farther away.

The quote at the beginning came from a TV show, and I mean no disrespect to teachers. Rather I would like to use this quote to help explain an old idea in present context. My loved one cares so much, pushes so much because they want me to be where they are and see how they see. Some of the lessons they have learned will be things I have to learn on my own. Support can come in the form of 'I know you'll get there, when you're ready, and I'm here for you now and always.'

Instead of what I feel I have been getting, which is more like 'why can't you just get it?' and 'why aren't you being smarter?'

I have to travel my own path and make my own decisions. I will accept the consequences and it doesn't change how much we love each other! You can disagree with me and still accept me as I am. I know you have been through this before, but I can't jump steps or skip ahead. Please just be there for me and make sure its a comfort and refuge to be near you, not something that exacerbates the struggle. I will not give up. I will keep on pulling! I want you there with me too, but I have to get there at my own pace! It doesn't mean you aren't teaching me or that you are letting me down, by letting me choose.

I hope you can believe me when I say I'm not giving up! I hope you will believe in me and trust in my judgment, or at least know that there is a creator who loves me too and won't let me down! Trust in Him if you can't trust in me. I don't know how to help you not worry, I do it too! I worry about you and want you to find happiness and joy in this life! I will work to be more positive, but you have to help me here! Point out the good, not the bad. Lift up, don't tell me how I'm failing your expectations. Love me, but don't beat me over the head with it!

Here, a thought: P-U-S-H

PU = something smelly

SH = shutting down communication

Lastly, a quote or two from a recent conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I see the truth and that the message is a good one. Have faith in that.

"I hope you are listening and see a pattern and hear a steady, consistent message that in these last days it is essential—even critical—that parents and children listen to and learn from one another. " - Elder M. Russell Ballard

"Most people in trouble end up crying, “What was I thinking?” Well, whatever they were thinking, they weren’t thinking of Christ." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Today...I'm not going to clean that up!

Ruminating on the life and times of me.

Being a bitch, because I can.

Loving because I can't not love them.

Running inside because its easier than facing myself.

Searching and being told I look in the wrong places.

I'm loved unconditionally, but only if I do as I'm told.

Acceptance in the darker places seems...comforting.

They will not make me feel like less.

Knowing truth and chasing dreams.

I face the looking glass world and see hope.

But the fantasy will dissolve and leave a terrible mess.

And I'm not going to clean that up!

Poplar Street Pub

Haven't left a shout out for these guys in a while! (I can't believe I missed St. Patty's Day plugs!)

(801) 532-2715

Downtown

242 S 200 W

Salt Lake City, UT 84101

http://www.urbanspoon.com/r/54/591679/restaurant/Downtown/Poplar-Street-Pub-Salt-Lake-City

Let It Be Me

(from Jan 2010 FB post)

Thank you to Annie for sharing this with us, and to Jeana for letting me be there for her and advise. Loves to all!

Heres if you just want to listen to the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9V0JnuaRYkM

Heres a Twilight video to it, just for fun!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkzuMi93rpc


Lyrics to Let It Be Me :
There may come a time, a time in everyones life
where nothin seems to go your way
where nothing seems to turn out right
there may come a time, you just cant seem to find your way
for every door you walk on to, seems like they get slammed in your face
thats when you need someone, someone that you can call.
and when all your faith is gone
feels like you cant go on
let it be me
let it be me
if its a friend that you need
let it be me
let it be me
feels like your always commin on home
pockets full of nothin and you got no cash
no matter where you turn you aint got no place to stand
reach out for something and they slap your hand
now i remember all to well
just how it feels to be all alone
you feel like youd give anything
for just a little place you can call your own
thats when you need someone, someone that you can call
and when all your faith is gone
feels like you cant go on
let it be me
let it be me
if its a friend you need
let it be me
let it be me

RECALL NOTICE

(received in an email from a loved one...)

RECALL NOTICE
The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured,
regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and
central component of the heart.
This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named
Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the
same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically
termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as
S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.
Some of the symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is
providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.
The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the
entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE
procedure.
Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart
component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control
Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers' Instructions
Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING:
Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any
manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers
and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being
permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.
DANGER:
The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be
scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter
Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your
attention!
GOD
P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important
recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'.
May God Bless and Keep you.

The Bucket List

(from an older post on FB, I am trying to update!)

The Bucket List

Hit forward (copy and paste) and place an X by all the things you've done and remove the X from the ones you have not, and send it to your friends (including me). This is for your Entire Life!

(X)Shot a gun
(X) Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school.

(X) Watched someone die

()Been to Canada

( )Been to Alaska
( ) Been to Cuba
( ) Been to Europe
(X) Been to Las Vegas

( )Been to Mexico
( ) Been to Florida
(X) Been on a plane

( )been on a cruise ship
( )Served on a jury

(X) Been lost
( ) Gone to Washington , DC
(X) Swam in the ocean

(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X ) Played cowboys/girls and Indians
(X) Recently colored with crayons
(X) Sang Karaoke

(X) Paid for a meal with coins only?

(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
(X) Made Prank Phone Calls?

(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose..

(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced in the rain.
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus

(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe.
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone.

(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice-skating...

(X) Are or have been Married?

( ) Children?
(X) Had/have a Pet?
( ) Been skinny dipping outdoors..

(X) Been fishing
(X) Been boating
( ) Been water skiing

(X) Been hiking

( ) Been camping in a trailer/RV-
(X) Flown in a small 4 seater airplane..



( ) Been flying in a glider

( ) Been flying in a hot air balloon

( ) Been bungee-jumping or sky-diving
(x) Gone to a drive-in movie
(x) Done something that should have killed you

(X) Done something that you will probably regret for the rest of your life.
( ) Been Hang gliding!

1. Any nicknames? Multiples! Dr. Kitty, Manny, Mandy, Manda Panda, to name a few!

2 Mothers name? If you know me and really want to know, ask.

3. Favorite drinks? Ginger Ale, Cranberry Juice, most juices, virgin strawberry daiquiri, milk, water...

4. Body Piercing? Ears

5. Tattoos? If sharpie art temporaries count!

6. How much do you love your job? It's pretty great all things considered!

7. Birthplace ? This valley.

8 Favorite vacation spot? The woods with friends/family

9. Ever eaten just cookies for dinner? yes. and donuts and/or ice cream.

10. Ever been on TV? Yes. News.

11. Ever steal any traffic signs? No but took some barricades once

12. Ever been in a car accident? Yep. Threw my back out.

13. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? Calvin says mind your own business!

14. Favorite number? 17

15. Favorite holiday? Halloween and Christmas. Any where I can dress up... oh wait, I do that anyway! wink!

16. Favorite dessert? Really good ice cream in a sugar/waffle cone, or NY cheesecake

17. Where do you see yourself in 10 years from now? Um... in front of a computer?

18. Furthest place you will send this message? Hmmm... since I'm posting this on FB and that is on the world wide web, then it can conceivably be seen all over the world and possibly even outer-space. Wicked!

Mother Theresa quote

(Thank you to my Momma for the great emails!)

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you have anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

Mother Teresa

Whales vs Mermaids

Recently, in a large city in Australia, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?" A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym. To Whom It May Concern, Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins, stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world. Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them ... where is IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store? The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale. P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, “Good grief, look how smart I am!”

Nine-tenths of wisdom is appreciation. Go find somebody’s hand and squeeze it, while there’s time. - Dale Dauten

Concentrate on this Sentence

Concentrate on this Sentence

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you Something good will happen to you today; something that you have been waiting to hear.

Please Do not break!

JUST 19 WORDS

GOD OUR FATHER,
WALK THROUGH MY HOUSE
AND TAKE AWAY ALL MY WORRIES AND ILLNESSES;
AND PLEASE WATCH OVER AND HEAL MY FAM ILY
IN JESUS ' NAME.. AMEN

This prayer is so powerful.
Pass this prayer to 12 people including me.

Good shows... Poem: Who Are You?

I have watched the ends of two good series in the last two days. Sci-fi seems to be my cup of tea.

Babylon 5 and Dollhouse. I like these shows because both have characters that have flaws, but have some venerable heroic qualities and never seem to lose hope. The basic hope that humanity and human decency and the struggle for love in life is the most important thing. I was inspired by these things swimming in my head to write something. Here's what came out:

Who Are You?

I have loved deeply, to the stars infinite

I have felt the wounds of betrayal

I have been myself and known that I am many

I have lost myself and searched unsuccessfully

I have not had to struggle against unwarranted oppression

I have not had to fight armies bent on my doom

I have seen the best of people and love it and hoped in it

I have been... disappointed.

I have struggled toward the light at the end

I have immersed myself in darkness and shadow

I will continue to love and hope and believe in your better nature

I will try to believe that there is a better nature in myself

I am grateful, and greedy.

I am honored, and shamed.

I am alive, and gone.

I am human, and more.

Who are you?