AAAAAAAGH!!!

Mom started calling and texting us around 7 this morning. I don't even usually turn my sound back on until I am leaving for work after 8-830. Not only was she calling, my uncle called because she called him and he could not call her back, going straight to voicemail! And then my cousin started texting me because his dad couldn't get a hold of my mom too! This is very reminiscent of when my grandma used to call at all hours of the early morning because she 'felt like someone was in trouble' or some such. She used to be 'in tune', but as she got older it was just more frequent and irritating. I told mom this was 'a grandma thing' and now she sends me novel-texts about how it's justified because the other side is attacking her, and that must be 'what grandma was going through too!'

I just got another overdrawn fee on my main account. It was an auto-pay for life insurance. I have friends who cancelled their life insurance but kept the cable and Internet. We don't have cable OR Internet, but with Mike and I's issues we felt like keeping the life insurance was a good idea. We have Netflix and unlimited data on both our phones and that is how we have any kind of entertainment... My boss has paid for these fees for me in the past because I was paid late. Not sure this qualifies, but theoretically should have been in the account yesterday, not just being processed. I emailed but am terrified of the response. I don't make enough money and we have run out of credit cards. Can't pay them down faster than we add more to them, and we are mainly paying for utilities/bills, gas and food! We still need to get cat food and the poodle groomed again soon...

As if all this was not enough, my car wouldn't start for 30 min (again!) on Saturday. Mom says it is the other side waging a tech war. Even if that is true, it doesn't solve the problem!!! I have just had it in for the speedometer to get fixed (about $500 put on a card) and still owe over $600 from the last mechanic place I used to go to...

The holidays are here. I should be thinking about gifts, but I never do. We never have funds. We bought things this summer with money we got from our Open House/Sealing presents stuff, (mostly paid things down, but got a fire pit for outside) but I am beating myself up in my brain for ANY expense that wasn't absolutely necessary since before I graduated high school!!! That if I just managed money better, we would be fine! I feel like my genetics are cursed. I have other family with similar issues. Personally, I/we have always had help. Church helps with food and Mike's meds, but I guilt myself over not being able to take care of myself, my household, my house, my car... I guess I am NOT a functioning adult?! Don't know what else to do. I appreciate people who say they would pay into a go-fund-me if we had it, but I am not ready to beg yet.

I am struggling to breathe at the moment through a years-long sinus issue/infection/allergies, and who-knows-what-else physical ailments, don't have medical insurance, can't afford even the homeopathic stuff now, and the worst of it is that STRESS MAKES IT WORSE!!! I am 3 steps away from cutting ties and running! But I would need at least one paycheck to run with! Lol! *maniacal laughter

I love my husband and family. I have a decent life. BUT... this... this is getting ...

Rough Times

My phone is acting up more and more. Messages specifically.

Not feeling well. Getting major depressed. Having manic times. Trying to balance and stabilize, but work stress, family stress, money stress, worthiness stress...

Soooo tired!

Not sure what I should be doing. I help where I can. I try to be a good person. I feel like I am failing, missing something. I feel like I am watching a fuse burn away and trying to chase it down before it explodes.

So many friends! I love them, but I honestly still feel lonely. Back to the place I was as a teenager. Teenage Wasteland was on the radio the other day, I barely listened long enough (and then only because I know it from Blue Man group) but has been stuck in my head. That is happening lots more too. Songs stuck in my head on repeat. Driving me crazy!

"We all full up here, you take your crazy elsewhere!"

I feel impotent. Like the harder I try the worse it gets. I screwed things up and I can't fix it. And it affects others.

Easier to just stay away from people. That way you can't disappoint or harm or fail anyone.

So tired!

Christlike. Turn the other cheek. Help regardless of anything else, because that is what is important in the end. But... Somehow take care of yourself too. Does not compute for me.

So tired.

And it's not like I have had surgery and things removed and am in terrible pain. I feel like a whiner and a wimp. I can't handle my own life! Tired.

Thyroid, Yeast and Homeopathics, oh my! Health Update

The last few weeks have been a blur in many ways. I started a process to get healthier and figure out what was wrong. My body has been slowly trying to get my attention for some time now. Little things kept getting worse from stomach and digestive issues to sleep problems to mental health, I was in a spiral of degradation and ignoring it.

At this point, I have had blood tests for thyroid and been told I have an auto immune thyroid; I have gone off birth control, started walking 30 min/day, and have tried gluten free for a week and not sure that is the answer. I am currently trying to eat healthier but there is a lot of debate over what is the healthiest, even without having issues! Near as I can figure all the schools of thought agree that green foods are good, but there is even discrepancy on that!

I found a thing about probiotics and gut yeast that made me think "this is me!" with all the symptoms. Unfortunately is was basically a long commercial (about an hour video) for a specific product. I have a couple of friends who have tried it with no dramatic results, and since it is one of the more expensive options, we are holding off for now. (But knowing my natural flora being out of whack contributes to many other things getting off balance helps!)

I am trying a homeopathic remedy this week. I feel better about this than I did the gluten free process. I know I need to do something, and I am trying not to send my system (physical and mental) into shock (again!) with too many changes. It is hard to concentrate and focus and not just blah blah blah not-shut-up at people! (Yes, I know I was like that before, it is more prevalent! *scary thought.)

I am so grateful for supportive family and friends. I know the resources are there as I need them. I have prayed and prayed and will keep praying throughout this process.

MAKE IT BETTER!!!

When people tell me they like the things I post on my Facebook page, I feel warm and happy. I try to post things that are funny, uplifting and bring light into the world. Sometimes there are horrible things happening and we don't have to shut our eyes to it, but we can make it better. We may not have a million dollars to feed everyone, but we can take time to help those around us. Even our families; we try to help with dinners if we are visiting friends and family, sometimes just bringing it ourselves because they need a break.

You may not be able to stop the terrible shootings and people being driven from their homes, but you can help those who may have come to your community. Make a phone call, find out what is needed and involve your neighbors, friends, church etc... to provide it. We are all children of a Heavenly Father which makes us a great big earthly family. Sometimes just simply cleaning out your closets and donating to the local thrift store or charity is all we can do, but if we all do a little we can accomplish great things!

This is my prayer today, that someone will be inspired, will find a new way to help, will smile because of something I have said or posted. Focus on the light and the shadows fade away behind! God bless!

Guilt, Winning and Thank You Notes.

I am the only person I know who feels guilty when I win, guilty when I get a thank you note and... well, guilty for feeling guilty!

Was told once that guilt is there to spur you on to better actions and choices. Don't know how that applies to playing Sorry (old board game) with a couple of friends and feeling bad every time I bumped them back to start. I ended up winning the game, you see. ... IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!

I have had 'thank you notes' in a bag, trying to send them out for months. Recently received a thank you note in the mail from a friend for attending her baby shower. Now she not only has finished creating a whole person, but she got her notes out before I did too! Lol. Getting her note reminded me of my notes. I dutifully dug the bag out from under the mess it had been buried in, carried it around with me, and still haven't gotten anymore sent.

I suppose I am lazy or boring or something, but I do seem to always have things to do and people to care for, help and worry about. That seems like a blessing to me. Now if I could just get my brain/emotions etc... to see it that way!

Morning Ramblings...

So tired of waking up tired. Places to be and things to do, but I just want to rest and FEEL rested.
Mike had a rough night. And so of course the cat comes meowing in early to boot. He has a hard enough time in the morning let alone days we should be getting up for Stake Conf. He's not likely to get up. I'm not likely to go w/o him.

Last dream I had was screaming at people to get out of my house by the end. Children were watching me me in the bathroom and trying to take things from the house. Then adults too. Not this current house, wasn't the same... But took 20 min and actually going to the bathroom before I could pull out of it. I feel drained. That's not right. It took a while to get to sleep, but I slept! Shouldn't I feel recharged? Rested? That's why I want to crawl back in bed.

I'm back in bed and dose-y. Can't quite wake. Keep trying to talk myself into doing something; start laundry so I can have clean underthings, or go downstairs and eat something so I can take vitamins, but I don't want to wake Michael. The pets have done enough of that.