Holding Pattern, with Deadlines

Work has been stressful for months and with the changeover... trying to keep track of everything and not let anything fall through the cracks, but waiting on the "four projects" being called to have ONE finish so we can see how the reporting will go...

I want to be useful, but I don't want to get distracted or forget something important. I have gotten the current projects as far as I can without having the data back. I have discovered I will have a bit of formatting etc to do on the verbatim comments... More work... Still owed some cash from last year. Think they counted their necessary "increase" as my bonus, but I will never see it. It was taken as taxes and I don't get anything back really from Federal because we are uninsured. Last year got $2. Yup. Two.

A lot of people hurting, fighting illness (mental and physical), trying to recover, depressed, in need... I am one person doing the best I can. My brain says it is not good enough. "Should" be doing better.

Feeding sister missionaries today. I wonder how that will go. Temple recommends expire this month. Not ready to get renewed... not been making it to church. I don't want to go without Michael... in all senses (church or to renew).

Parties coming up and wanting to "make a splash" but not sure how - funds and energy and time... Still fighting mice (2 down, who knows how many to go) and as it gets warmer I am sure the bugs will be back. Not sure how to talk to her about counters/dishes etc...

Should I be doing lead gen? Working on Annuals?? Pestering the call center???!
I want to do my best and have integrity but I feel rushed AND stuck at the same time. Just "HERE". But being here is part of the job. Putting out the fires, answering the questions, formatting documents till my brain leaks out my ears! Lol. *sad laugh.

No one has been pestering me for their reports... YET.

Craving sushi AGAIN. ALWAYS. Taking more fish oil to try to compensate. Getting headaches. Worried about Mom. She was talking about 'do you know what to do, who to talk to, when I die?' Not a happy thought. Realistically, I understand it, but...

And weird and shocking dreams about past. Grr argh. Afraid flashbacks are coming. Part of me wants to know - the truth shall set you free - but more of me just screaming about how "why would anyone WANT to remember that crap?!"

Back to the grind I suppose... but I don't know what to do. *sigh.

It was really good and uplifting to hear Simon and Martina talk about their "community" and experiences with YouTube and blogging, etc... I don't think I will ever have that kind of experience, based on my past and trying to keep this sort of on the DL. Oh well. People DO like me!